Sundry Smiles and Silly Situations
by caylender
Summary: A collection of humorous drabbles, mostly involving the Shield. Intern Eve decided they need to solve who's Seth tag team partner once and for all. Chapter 18: The Epic Battle for Seth Rollins
1. Grocery List

So I'm turning out a bunch of drabbles recently. No idea why. It's kind of crazy, actually. I think the common thread through all of these will be Intern Eve.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything that's recognizable. Intern Eve is mine; although, Captain has custody rights on special occasions.

* * *

Dean Ambrose was frustrated. The company didn't have anything substantial for him that night; he wasn't feuding with anyone at the moment. He didn't have any promos prepared. For all intents and purposes, he was planning on just lurking backstage and maybe snagging some of the delicious cheese cake from catering.

"What's this? Lemme see," Dean demanded to Roman as he snagged a piece of paper out of the Samoan's hands. "This your promo? I should read through it, so you're not stuck talking about mashed potatoes or something."

Roman shook his head. "No, that's just my grocery list. I just remembered I needed more milk, so I was adding it on."

"Huh, I didn't realize you-"

"Ambrose! There you are!" Intern Eve shouted and grabbed Dean's arm. She began dragging him towards gorilla.

"What?" Dean said, exasperatedly. "What's your deal, lady?"

Intern Eve smirked at him. "Don't you remember you have a segment tonight?"

Dean made a face. "What are you talking about? I'm not on the show tonight."

"Well, now you are. Just keep the audience entertained, pumpkin."

"But I've got nothing!"

"That's a double negative, Dean, which means you have something. I keep trying to explain that to Styles, too… 'They don't want none'? No, AJ, they want some," Intern Eve said with a shake of her head. "Just read what you have in your hands. I'm sure it'll be fine."

Dean's music began playing, and he ambled out to the ring. Dean scowled at the audience. He wasn't even sure why he was there. He sighed before he held out the piece of paper with a dramatic flourish. "And for your entertainment tonight, I'm here to perform a dramatic reading of Roman Reigns' Grocery List."

Somewhere backstage, Roman looked up in confusion. "Wait. He's reading what?"

Dean began in the most logical place. "Numero Uno on our list is coffee beans! Got that? None of that pre-ground crap but the whole bean. Because Big Dog doesn't play around with his coffee in the morning. And let me tell you, Roman and the morning do not get along. He's like a hibernating Grizzly Bear in the morning when you wake him up, so trust me: this is important."

Backstage, Roman face palmed.

"Next is EGGS! (brought to you by Roman Reigns). You can believe that," Dean said.

The audience erupted in applause.

"Paper towels, Viva in particular. I dunno why he specified the brand there. It seems oddly specific. Oh wait, it's because he has a coupon for them! Nice Roman; way to be frugal."

A "This is awesome!" chant began to be shouted by the crowd.

"Next we have conditioner! L'oreal because Roman's worth it! He also gets the leave-in conditioner."

Several audience members appeared to be taking notes.

"And next we have…"

Intern Eve smirked at the producers. "See, I told you. Ambrose could read someone's grocery list and people would still be entertained by him. Pay up."

The producers exchanged glances and each handed over a crisp hundred dollar bill to the smirking intern.

* * *

Leave me a line or two. Thanks for reading!


	2. The Semiannual Authority Pig Roast

Seth was in hell.

True, people made statements like that all the time. However, he wasn't being an overdramatic teen, who's drowning in a pool of angst. If the surging flames around him were an indication, he was in hell.

Okay, maybe he was being overdramatic since he wasn't in a literal hell since he didn't believe in hell. But standing across from Kane, watching him cackle with his arms thrown up into the air as jutting flames shot out of the industrial-sized barbecue grill, he could easily imagine himself in such a place.

No, last week, Intern Eve (of all people) had decided the best idea in the world would be to initiate several bonding events for the Authority to promote unity and motivation amongst the faction. Seth scoffed at the notion. Why would the Authority need to stoop so low? They were intimidating; they were in charge. They definitely didn't need monthly bowling excursions or Kumbaya singing sessions around a campfire. However, somehow Hunter and Stephanie agreed with the crazy lady. In addition to having parties to celebrate every major holiday and monthly bowling excursions, they would have a semiannual pig roast. Just great...

But it got worse. When the question arose as to who should cook the pig, Hunter had decided to have Seth and Kane work together to roast the poor boar. This group task would promote unity and would help them get on the same page. Yeah, like that was going to happen...

Kane stopped his maniacal laughter to look disapprovingly at Seth. At least, Seth imagined it was a disapproving look; it was hard to tell what Kane was thinking when he was in his full Demon Kane gear, including the mask. "Seth, you're not putting your _all_ into this."

Seth frowned. "What do you mean I'm not putting my all into this?"

Kane crossed his arms. "You have to be one with the flames, or this isn't therapeutic."

"Therapeutic? Who said this was supposed to be therapeutic?" Seth practically spat out.

"Therapeutic activities promote a strong bond and make teammates respect one another. If you put your full effort into this pig roast, you will really reap the benefits from this therapeutic exercise. And we can be on the same page."

I don't think any part of this is therapeutic," Seth mumbled under his breath.

Kane leaned over the top of the grill to growl at Seth, "I heard that, you ungrateful punk. Now just be happy I'm not frying you right now instead of this wild boar."

Seth sighed and eyed up the large boar that was currently resting in the flames in between him and Kane. It was too easy imagining Kane trying to shove an apple into Seth's own mouth before the demon tossed a tied-up Seth onto the open flames. "Okay, how's this?" Seth threw up his arms and laughed.

The flames seemed to die out and shrink, slightly.

Kane scoffed. "I said 'be one with the flames,' not mock them. Do it like this."

"MWAHAHAHA!" The flames shot up a good ten feet into the air, and Seth unconsciously jumped back.

Kane looked at Seth, expectantly. "Now, you try. Just imagine that boar as your most hated enemy and incinerate him. That's what I like to do."

Seth sighed and looked at the poor boar, just plopped there on the metal grate with jutting flames all around him. That poor boar… Oh God, was it his imagination or did he just hear it oink around the apple in its mouth? "Ha... Ha. Ha?"

"That was terrible!" Kane growled. He reached over the lit grill and grabbed Seth by the throat.

Seth gasped and clawed at the hands of the Devil's Favorite Demon to try to make him let go.

"You are lucky I'm not choke slamming you onto Wilbur here," Kane said. Then Kane dropped him, unceremoniously. "Now try it again!"

Seth scowled at Kane and imagined pushing _him_ onto the grill since he loved fire so much. Kane was nothing but a pain in his ass… "HA HA HAAA HA HAAAA!"

To both his and Kane's eternal surprise, a spurt of flames shot several feet out of the grill and into the air. Seth and Kane stared at the boar, which was completely engulfed in fire at this point, wondering how that was possible.

Kane cleared his throat. "Not bad, kid. I knew you had it in you."

Seth couldn't help but grin.


	3. Just Give Me a Giraffe Onesie

I was torturing captain the other day by threatening to put Dean in a onesie...No comment

* * *

Dean wondered who he had pissed off recently. Was it God? He did swear a lot...and occasionally smoke...and drink really crappy beer...and really enjoy violence, admittedly too much… Who was he kidding? He knew _exactly_ who he had pissed off: Intern Eve.

Last week when arriving at RAW, Dean cut off Intern Eve and stole the parking spot she was carefully backing into. The irate intern had screamed at him about how he would regret crossing him and yadda yadda… Honestly, Dean hadn't been paying too much attention to Intern Eve. People threatened him all the time; so much so that the threats bounced off him like raindrops off a duck's back. Instead of listening to Intern Eve, Dean was too busy trying to find his phone, which had slid somewhere under his seat. After several minutes of straight cursing from the fuming Intern, Roman had asked Dean if she was ever in the navy since her vocabulary was pretty impressive...and maybe they should just find another spot and let her have this one. Dean scoffed, it was a front row parking space as he grabbed his duffle from the backseat and exited the rental car with a parting salute to Intern Eve.

"Dean, I hate you right now," Roman's deep voice muttered.

"Come on, Dean and Roman! We're on now!" Bayley prompted them, excitedly. "Put on your hood!"

Hating his life at the moment, Dean sighed as the bubbly woman pulled up his hood and enthusiastically yanked on his arm.

Bayley ran out in her typical colorful ring gear, holding one of Roman's hands. The Samoan Badass jogged alongside her in a giraffe onesie. His face was bright red as he was forced to hug various members of the crowd right along with Bayley.

Dean trudged out after them in an elephant onesie. The expression on face clearly said he would beat whomever solicited a hug from him with a handy-dandy kendo stick.

Bayley entered the ring with Roman, and they waited patiently with big smiles for the Lunatic Fringe to enter the ring, or at least, Bayley had a big smiled. On the other hand, Roman looked like he was in pain.

From the announce table, William Regal wondered why one of his most formidable past opponents was being subjugated to this humiliation.

Bayley begins her promo while Roman and Dean avoid making eye contact with anybody in the crowd.

Suddenly, Dean swore and covered his face.

"What?" Roman whispered to Dean as Bayley continued to speak to the crowd.

"Look at the front row."

Roman looked and saw Seth sitting there, laughing hysterically. "I didn't realize he still went to these."

Dean groaned. "Me neither. He's never going to let us live this down."

"And it's such an honor to see the former World Heavyweight Champion here tonight! Give it up to Seth Rollins!" Bayley slide out of the ring and beelined straight to Seth, giving him a big hug. "Come on Dean and Roman! Join us!"

Seth smirked at them and snapped a couple pictures on his phone of them.

Roman turned to Dean. "This is all your fault." He exited the ring.

Dean groaned. "It was a front row parking space...It's not my fault!"


	4. Pranking with a Plethora of Post-Its

This is inspired by a conversation with Captain; kudos to her for giving me (intentional and some not-so intentional) prompts and editing. And I figured I pick on Roman enough, so why not harass Dean a bit? Takes place Extreme Rules: before and after. Spoilers to that paper-view as well.

And just a shout out to SkittlezLvr79; I hope you feel better. :)

* * *

 _I know something you don't know: a time, a date, a place for a resurrection._

Dean ripped the yellow post-it note off the locker room door and pushed his way into the room. He walked over and dropped his duffle bag on the ground.

 _Ambrose, forget something?_

Dean scowled at the bright pink post-it note, sticking to his bag. No, he thought to himself; I didn't forget nothing. Who was trying to screw with him? Was it one of the other guys just ribbing him?

All day, Dean had been finding these obnoxiously colored sticky-notes wherever he went in the arena. He didn't know who was leaving them: it was beginning to get very annoying. None of them were particularly helpful, and the majority of them were tauntingly vague and irking him.

Dean ripped open his duffle bag, muttering under his breath about gutting the person who kept leaving these notes with a spoon. He groaned when he found another (only this time, bright lime green) post-it note.

 _You sure about that, Mr. Fringe?_

Dean crumpled up the note and chucked it towards the locker room door. In the process, he hit Roman in the face as the large Samoan was just walking in. Roman shot Dean a bewildered look as the crumpled post it fell to the floor and he continued walking over to his brother.

"What's up, Dean?"

The Lunatic nonchalantly shrugged one shoulder. "Just getting ready for my match with Jericho." He pulled out his wrist tape to find another purple note.

 _I know something you don't know._

Dean audibly growled and ripped it off the tape.

"What's that?" Roman asked, a bit concerned at his brother's outright anger at the post-it notes..

Dean scowled and handed the note to Roman. "I got no clue. I've been finding them everywhere today. In catering, in my duffle bag, even on the fucking urinal in the men's bathroom!"

Roman frowned. "Weird. I wonder who's pranking you… Who have you pissed off recently?"

Dean gave Roman a somewhat serious look before answering, "No one?"

Roman raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

Dean sighed. "Okay, no one new? I piss off everyone, so who knows?"

Roman rolled his eyes at his brother's antics. "Well, I need to go and meet up with Jimmy and Jey to practice our spots for tonight, so I'll see you after."

"Did you seriously just come in here to check up on me?" Dean asked suspiciously.

Roman smiled. "Course, I did, little brother. You really have to ask?"

Dean good-naturedly rolled his eyes and bumped fists with Roman. "Good luck tonight, Uce."

"You too, bro."

Roman turned to walk out, and Dean's eyes zeroed in on the blue sticky-note on the large man's back.

 _Aren't you curious?_

Dean growled angrily irritated, but shrugged in defeat. Roman would figure it out, eventually.

In the hallway, Roman immediately ran into Intern Eve.

"Did Mr. Fringe suspect anything?" She giddily asked while clapping her hands together.

Roman shook his head. "Not a thing, babygirl. He has no clue you're giving him hints about Seth's big return. Thanks for doing this for me."

Intern Eve sheepishly grinned. "It's my pleasure. I almost felt bad about the giraffe onesie, but you were collateral damage, so this will make us even. After this, I owe you nothing, Mr. Reigns. Ambrose gets punished for taking my parking space, and for causing you to be humiliated. And I get to partake in my favorite pastime!"

"And what's that?" Roman asked, slightly wary of the young woman's response and a bit frightened to know the answer.

"Messing with people. It's great." as Intern Eve let out an evil cackle that would have made any psycho murder or evil movie villain proud, "BOW DOWN TO THE QUEEN!"

Roman scratched his beard a bit concerned about Intern Eve's mental stability. "...I'm... uh… I'm just going to go…" He quickly left the evil, cackling Intern.

One AJ and Roman main event later...

"You asshole!" Dean screamed as he pulled Seth into a tight bear hug. "You didn't tell me you were coming back tonight! Hell, I was starting to think I wouldn't see you until next month. Man, those dirtsheet postings were incredibly incorrect."

Seth grinned and hugged him back. "I didn't tell anyone, really. And really man, dirt sheets? You should know better!"

Intern Eve. "I told you I knew when he was coming back, Mr. Fringe. I left you 27 post-it notes today, telling you exactly that."

Dean growled with rage as he tried to make a grab for Intern Eve, who stood smirking just out of Dean's grasp. "THAT WAS YOU!"

Seth held back Dean as Intern Eve stuck out her tongue and made faces at the Lunatic. "Don't kill the intern, Dean… That'll get you suspended."

Intern Eve grinned after getting her just desserts on the Lunatic and pointed to Roman. "It was all his idea."

"ROMAN!"

* * *

Also, I'm a little disappointed there was no unicorns or gold light for the Sethie return, but I'm also just glad to see him back. All hail to Crossfit Jesus!


	5. Double O Cesaro

I'm not sure where this one came from. I'm blaming Cesaro's suits; he looks like 007. I have a ton of super cheesy mission ideas for more drabbles in this verse, so there will probably be some followups.

 **Disclaimer:** :) I don't own Seth, Kevin, and Cesaro.

* * *

 _Cesaro the Secret Agent! TA DA!_

Cesaro finished placing and setting up the intricate bombs on the dastardly villain's doomsday device.

He then began the countdown. The building would explode in less than five minutes.

 _Double O Cesaro!_

The Tesla Roadster sped down the deserted highway; the swift, black car effortlessly curved with the winding road as it climbed up the mountain. With his hair blown back with the wind from the convertible top, the young man driving bit his lip, nervously.

"I don't think we'll make it in time, Kevin," he said in what could have passed as a groan as the car practically squealed around the next bend.

Kevin only whimpered in response; the Yorkie anxiously stood on his tippy toes to see out the window. Kevin the Dog knew how important it was to get to the rendezvous point on time. Agent Cesaro's very life depended on it.

 _Secret Agent Cesaro! Wow!_

 _Countdown: Explosion in 3 minutes and 8 seconds_

Cesaro swung his arm up in a European Uppercut, demolishing the last of the robotic henchmen.

He glanced around, looking for Seth and Kevin the Dog. Where were they? This was cutting it pretty close.

 _Cesaro!_

Seth finally reached the end of the road and swore. The road only cultivated in a torn up parking lot with a couple of view finders. He frantically jerked his head over to look out on their right at the neighboring mountain, which had a large building, made almost entirely out of glass windows and was surrounded with a moat with large alligators drifting around it.

"Crap! Crap! Kevin, we're on the wrong mountain! We're supposed to be over there!" Seth threw his hands up in the air in panic. "This is all your fault, Kevin!"

Kevin rolled his eyes and carefully nudged the flare gun to prop it against the seat. Then the Yorkie placed his paw on the trigger, shooting off a flare.

 _He's the man in the suit! He's Cesaro!_

 _Countdown: Explosion in 1 minute and 2 seconds_

The sight of a red flare shooting up from the twin mountain caught Cesaro's attention. He frowned. Why was Seth over there on a completely different mountain top? Oh well, Secret Agent Cesaro was always prepared. He began assembling a light metal frame before he attached a piece of canvass to it. He positioned himself on the hang glider and began running. Once his feet left the edge of the mountain, he began to sail through the air.

 _Countdown: Explosion in 0 minutes and_ _1 second_

 _BOOM!_

Cesaro let go of the hang glider and fell right into the Tesla Roadster's backseat.

Seth spun around to look at Cesaro. He blushed and began driving down the mountain. "For the record, I knew this was the wrong mountain. I just thought you calculated the blast radius incorrectly, so I thought it would be better to have the car over here."

Cesaro grinned and raised an eyebrow. "And you didn't think it was important to inform me before hand?"

Seth shrugged. "I knew you wouldn't miss a beat; you're _Cesaro_."

Kevin the Dog huffed out a disbelieving sigh. Cesaro scooped the dog up and scratched Kevin's back. He shook his head, fondly at Seth's blatant lies. "If you say so, friend. All things considered, it was a very successful mission. Thanks for your help, both of you."

Seth smiled into the rear view mirror, and Kevin yipped in response.

The three drove down the winding mountain road towards the arena as the dust from the demolished base continued to settle.


	6. Home Depot

**AN:** This gem was written by Captainbartholomew. It was started by a weird, off-hand comment during last week's RAW. Enjoy!

* * *

Seth didn't know if he'd been gone longer than he or the others seemed to have thought, but this was ridiculous.

"Come on, Rollins! Move that tushy faster, so I can get as many as ladders as posssible!" screamed Intern Eve. "Pick it up you slackers!"

Maybe the young intern had just lost her marbles completely while he had been rehabbing his knee, but Seth highly doubted that.

"She's trying to kill us!" whisper shouted Dean who was carry two extremely tall 7 foot ladders.

Roman was on the other end of said ladders Dean was carrying and was trying to look stoic. "How did this happen?!"

Dean knew the answer to that question as easily as Seth did.

The damn budget cuts.

The WWE was in a financial crisis, thanks to someone spending millions of dollars on a Sundae Slam promotion involving the Shield months ago. Seth just shuddered at the amount of ice cream toppings he remembered picking out of and off his body for months afterward. Anyways, thanks to someone's less-than frugal spending habits (Seth was pretty sure it was all Intern Eve's fault) the WWE was pretty strapped for cash.

So the young intern came up with a brilliant idea to purchase ladders that were on sale at the Home Depot. She also had a coupon for 50% off all ladder purchases, where she found that from Seth really didn't want to know. However, somewhere, somehow, somebody in accounting approved this hair-brained scheme of Intern Eve's. Now, all she had needed were people to help her move the ladders from the Home Depot to the arena.

Enter the wrestlers… specifically Seth, Roman and Dean.

The trio had been leaving the arena after rehearsing their matches and the young woman had jumped out in front of them scaring the crap out of the three. She then proceeded to impose her will onto them.

"What makes you think we'll help you?" scoffed Dean blatantly annoyed.

Intern Eve smiled sneakily as she pulled out her phone and showed them the most horrid picture imaginable.

In the picture a sleeping Dean wore a night cap as he snuggled closely up to a soundly-sleeping Roman who was in the middle while a sleeping Seth was snuggled on the other side of the man grasping a teddy bear tightly to his chest.

"That's not us," hissed Dean venomously as he tried to lunge at the intern and wrestle the phone away from her while Seth and Roman held him back, "Where did you get that?"

"Oh, Mr. Ambrose, I just have friends who are extremely handy with PhotoShop in the Marketing department. But if you don't help me this lovely picture will be plastered all over online and no one will ever take you three seriously again!" cackled Intern Eve, evilly.

And so with their hands tied behind their backs, Seth, Dean, and Roman begrudgingly had no choice but to obey Intern Eve.

This was how they had ended up at the Home Depot helping her carry dozens of ladders out to a large white moving van to drive to the arena and take them to the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. They were currently making their seventh trip out to the big moving truck.

"Chop, chop boys!" shouted Intern Eve, "I don't have all day. I need to get these ladders to the arena and douse them in lighter fluid!"

Seth and Dean exchanged a concerned look pondering about Intern Eve's mental stability while Roman voiced the on everyone's mind, "Why on earth would you do that?"

"BECAUSE I CAN AND I WILL!" shouted Intern Eve while she slowly calmed down as Roman raised an eyebrow at her for using his catchphrase, "But seriously, haven't you seen Kane's entrance to the first ever MITB match? He lights all the ladders on fire. I'm going to recreate that just because it'll be awesome!"

"She knows Kane isn't even the damn match this year right?" questioned Seth.

"Do you think her being a pyro maniac is grounds enough to have Vince her get a psych eval?" voiced Dean.

"Shut up the two of you," hissed Roman as Eve turned her attention back to them.

"Now, mush my hounds! We have 32 more ladders to get before I feel justified with this ladder purchase!"

The brothers exchanged a look as Inten Eve held up her phone with the horrid picture she was using to blackmail them into helping her.

Sadly, the trio sighed and trudged back toward the Home Depot store.

Intern Eve smirked evilly, little did the Shield boys they weren't going to get a hold of this picture that easily by just helping her with moving some measly ladders.

Oh no, she had for these three, big plans!

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Seth couldn't help but watch this scene unfold of the evil intern manically laughing hysterically.

"Did I miss something?" questioned Seth confused.

Roman shrugged and shook his head. "Little brother, you ain't seen nothing yet. I have as long as she has that picture of us we are unbelievably screwed."

"Plus Intern Eve's favorite thing in life is to screw with people so yeah, we're screwed," answered Dean as he grabbed a flat rack cart to help them carry the damn ladders out, "She won't get away with this!"

"It's an injustice!" shouted Seth knowing full well exactly what he had just said.

"We'll play Intern Eve's little game of Chutes and Ladders for now, but circle up boys I have a plan to get that picture," said Dean with a smirk, "But don't worry whatever her plans are after this will certainly not come to fruition!"

"Believe that!"

"And we believe in the Shield!"

"We didn't just did we?"

"Yup."

To Be Continued…?


	7. Travel Agents

Just something short I had on my Google Docs forever. Pretty much how I view the Shining Stars.

* * *

"Welcome to the Ambrose Asylum, the Shining Stars," Dean told the crowd as he straightened his clip-on tie.

The RAW audience clapped.

Dean honestly didn't understand why Intern Eve booked the Puerto Rican tag team to appear on his talk show. "Ever since you two arrived in the WWE, there have been a lotta questions about your agenda here. So I'm going to be blunt, what do you want to accomplish in the WWE?"

Then Primo and Epico launched into a long winded monologue about Puerto Rico.

"...And that's why Puerto Rico is the _shining star of the Caribbean_."

Dean stared at Primo and Epico. "I don't get it. Are you telling me you booked me a vacation to Puerto Rico?"

"No amigo! We're just explaining to you why Puerto Rico is so great!" Primo said with a grandiose hand gesture.

Epico began to say, "It's _the shining star_ -"

"Yeah, yeah, I know.. _of the Caribbean_. You said that before. I get it."

Primo and Epico stared at Dean. "Then what's the problem?"

"I don't get you guys!" Dean said. "What are you guys doing here? If Puerto Rico is so great, why are you here in Ohio in the WWE?"

Primo and Epico exchanged looks, and Epico began to say, "We're here to wrestle to prove to the world how Puerto Rico is-"

" _The shining star of the Caribbean_. I know. Do you work for the Puerto Rico's tourism department?"

Primo said, "Umm, no..."

" Are you guys like travel agents?" Dean stared at them intently.

Primo let out a huff of frustration and began to walk away from the Lunatic Fringe with Epico following suit.

"Wait, amigos! Did I win a trip to Puerto Rico?" Dean called after them. He shrugged at the audience. "And thanks for tuning in for Ambrose Asylum."


	8. Siberia or Something

So I'm back in the States. I was in Mexico with my fiance's family, which was its own adventure... I miss it; I wanna go back. Now that I'm done pouting... This started with a weird off-hand comment about how they should just ship Roman off to Smackdown to be with Cena in order to leave Seth and Dean together on RAW...Then I wrote this thing tonight, and it turned out slightly more morbid and dark than what I was expecting...yup. If you can't tell, I'm very disappointed in the whole Roman situation.

* * *

 _Siberia or Something_

"So you want me to stand right in front of this crate?"

"Yup, right in front of that beautiful maple crate," Intern Eve said in a chipper voice.

"Huh," Roman mused. "Where did you even get this thing? You could fit an entire person in here… Why do you even need this?"

"Oh, just a little spring cleaning! You know the saying, out with the old!"

"But it's July…" Roman said.

"Ah, close enough. I like to round down. Now just one second, I'm just getting that thing I wanted to show you," Intern Eve said as she raised the kendo stick she stole from Dean over her head. She carefully positioned it right over Roman's head and brought it crashing down on the Samoan's cranium.

Roman crumpled like a sack of potatoes right next to the crate.

Intern Eve groaned. "You stupid man! Why didn't you land in the crate like I wanted you to!?" She pulled on Roman's arm and sighed. "You weigh a ton…"

* * *

"Intern Eve?" Seth called into the plush office that Intern Eve had stolen from some poor employee.

"Hey lady!" Dean shouted. There was nothing but a huge crate in the middle of the office and a broken kendo stick on the floor.

Intern Eve popped up from where she was crouching behind the large crate. "What? Why are you shouting? I'm a very busy woman, and I have all these things to do," Intern Eve said, exasperatedly.

Dean and Seth stared at the woman: Seth with eyes widened in alarm and Dean with eyes narrowed in suspicion. Seth then cautiously asked, "Why do you have that?"

"Have what?" Intern Eve blinked, innocently at the two wrestlers. "The crate? No important reason!"

"No," Dean drawled. "I think Seth's talking about the big gun you're holding."

Intern Eve glanced down at the weapon in her hands. "Ohhh, you're talking about my tranquilizer rifle!"

Seth exchanged a glance with Dean. "Yes, I'm talking about the rifle! Why the heck do you have a tranquilizer rifle?"

"Oh Sethie, no real reason," Intern Eve said with a grin, and Seth cringed at the nickname. She then said, "It's just a prop for when I propose a new pay-per-view concept. _Big Game Hunter._ It'll be great! The creepy hunter guy from Jumanji will be lurking around the whole event while the matches go on, and he'll randomly chose someone to stalk! I think we'll top our numbers with this one!"

"Huh," Seth said. "That's definitely an interesting idea…"

"That's a horrible idea, Eve," Dean said in a blunt tone. "You can do better than that. That idea makes the Sundae Slam seem brilliant."

Intern Eve's head bobbled in agreement. "That was a brilliant idea." Her voice carried a wistful tone.

"Sorry to bug you, Intern Eve," Seth said, interrupting her little session of reminiscing. "We were just looking for Roman, and we were wondering if you've seen him?"

"Nope, I haven't seen him for a very-" Intern Eve was interrupted by a sudden and loud thump from the crate.

Three pairs of eyes swiveled to the crate, and Intern Eve kicked the side with one of her steel-toed boots. "A very long time!"

"What's in the crate?" Dean demanded.

Intern Eve sighed, dramatically. "Okay, you got me... I lost some semi-dangerous animals in the arena. They could potentially present a large problem, and perhaps maul some of the crew members or sports entertainers if I don't find them... That's the real reason why I have the rifle."

"What the hell did you lose?" Seth asked, hesitantly while Dean glanced around them in a way that said he was concerned a wild Braun Strowman would appear at any given moment.

"Nothing too bad...Just some crocodiles."

"Why do you-" Seth began to ask but he was interrupted by Dean.

"Do you really want to know, dude?"

Seth considered before he shook his head. "See you later, Intern Eve. If you see Roman, tell him we're looking for him."

"Toodles," Dean muttered in a sarcastic tone as they left the office, closing the door behind them.

Intern Eve sighed, and she kicked the crate. "You hear that, Reigns? Your brothers are looking for you. I guess it's a good thing I gagged you and hogtied you..." She set down the gun and put her two hands under her head as she tilted it to the side in the classic GTS motion. She carefully stuck the barrel of the tranquilizer gun in the slightly ajar top of the crate and pulled the trigger. "Time for you to go nighty night, Reigns…"

Then with a comically large mallet, she hammered in some nails to secure the lid down. "You'll be fine, buddy. I packed animal crackers, a blanket, and some water bottles for you. Just think of this as an exchange trip, only I'm not getting anyone in return, and you're never going to come back…"

She carefully stuck labels on the sides of the crate with the captions of _Live Cargo_ and _Fragile_. Then she placed a label with a Siberian address on top of the lid. She sighed. "You know, this wouldn't have come to this if you hadn't disappointed me, Reigns. I put my confidence in you, and you got yourself suspended…"

Intern Eve studied the crate with a critical eye. "I know McMahon told me to ship you home. I think he meant that in a figurative way, but oh well, maybe I misinterpreted his instructions… You are Russian, right? Samoan, Siberian...They're the same place really." She was interrupted from her one-sided conversation by a knock on the door. "Come in!"

A couple of beefy men entered the office. "Is that the crate you needed shipped?" One asked.

"Yup! And it's time sensitive. The sooner, the better. Don't open the crate for any reason. Thanks boys! Be good for them, RoRo!"

And with those parting words, Roman Reigns was shipped to Siberia to begin his 30 day suspension.

* * *

Yup, just some strong feelings about the suspension... What are your thoughts?


	9. Ivan from Siberia

A follow up to the last one. I like Ivan too much...

* * *

Ivan was a simple man with simple interests. He liked the soothing sounds of a classic piano piece as the notes floated from his Ipod through the wires of his headphones into his ears. He liked how the sounds could eradicate any problems he had encountered that day and allow him to relax and enjoy something as universal as music.

He enjoyed the sight of snowflakes landing on his black coat: the stark contrast between the black wool and the white ice crystals, which never failed to make him feel like the star of an old Hollywood black and white movie. And of course, the silent winter afternoon could only lead to him enjoying his music that much more.

He did not like how his current job was impeding his ability to enjoy his Beethoven. The job was simple: transport the crate to his hometown in Siberia and to not open it until the next day. Unfortunately, the cargo did not seem to approve of his mission and would protest very loudly and very persistently by smacking on the nailed-down lid of the crate in a **Banging** noise.

 **Bang Bang Bang**

And there it was again! Ivan cursed; that noise was interfering with his music!

 **BangBang BANG**

Ivan cursed _again._ The crazy woman specifically told him to leave it closed until the next day. He couldn't open it even if the noise was driving him insane.

 **BANG! BANG! BANG!**

Bloody hell! He just missed the crescendo! Screw it all, Ivan had no self control when it came to something beastly like interrupting the most beautiful sound in the world!

 **Bang! BANG! Bang!**

Ivan grabbed his trusty crowbar, wedged it between the lid and the side of the crate, and pried the cover up to reveal a disheveled Samoan. This Roman Reigns was a philistine. Ivan began to curse the wrestler in Russian about his inability to appreciate music.

Roman Reigns, the philistine, could only glare in response as he was still gagged.

Ivan sighed and pulled the piece of tape off the Samoan's mouth, and the man spit out a piece of fabric.

"Finally! You don't know how annoying that was! And I don't know if that sock was clean or dirty! ...Or even whose it was."

Ivan stared at Roman Reigns, the philistine. How uncouth…

"So where am I? Russia? You sounded like Lana when she yells. This has to be Russia. Intern Eve shipped me to freaking Russia. I'm going to kill that girl-"

"Vait!" Ivan shouted. "You, _you_ have met the Ravishing Russian, Lana? That vonderful goddess!"

Roman raised his eyebrows. "Yeah? We work for the same company."

Ivan leaned forward into the crate to look Roman in the eye. "I vill help you return to America for vengeance on this Intern if you vill get me in to visit the beautiful Lana."

Roman nodded, slowly. "You got yourself a deal."

Ivan cut through the duct tape that kept Roman's limbs bound. "Roman the Philistine, ve vill be a vonderful team!"

"Ve- I mean- we will get revenge! Intern Eve will regret crossing me!"

Ivan smirked. "Ah, you are a heel! I thought so!"

Roman frowned. "Hey wait! I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm the-"

"Philistine. Yeah, I know. You're the philistine. I understand. The Roman Empire didn't appreciate foreigners' art like they should have. It makes perfect sense."

Roman sulked. "No, I'm _the guy._ "

"Vat guy? You Americans never make any sense…Now let's get a move on. I have sheet music I vant Lana to autograph."

* * *

There's a strong possibility that whoever read this face-palmed at the guy catch phrase. And you know what? I wouldn't even blame you.


	10. It's a Yak!

Confession: I have way too much fun writing Dean and Seth dialogue.

Happy birthday to Intern Eve! And thanks to Captain for dragging me to Smackdown with her to begin my fandom just about a year ago. Time really flies by.

* * *

" _Good for you, Ambrose!"_

" _Woo woo woo! Thanks, Ambrose!"_

" _Nice going, man!"_

All day so far, just about every Superstar had approached Dean to express their personal gratitude. It had gotten to the point where the thanks was so excessive that the words of gratitude had become merely become platitudes. Then there was the fact that Dean had no clue why everyone was so thankful towards him.

But he was beginning to get the impression that he wasn't being thanked for only being an awesome person and a fantastic champion.

" _That's brave of you. We appreciate it, Dean."_

Yeah, he was getting the impression that everyone was under a weird impression he was something like the second coming…

And speaking of Second Coming...

"Hey! Seth! Wait up!" Dean shouted down the hallway.

The man, who the internet community had dubbed as Crossfit Jesus, paused and waited for Dean to catch up to him.

"Hey Dean," Seth greeted as he rubbed his beard. "I heard what you did, and I think it's great. It was really big of you to step up like that."

Dean stared at Seth trying to remember what he did that was so great… Was it how he had stepped up and worked Roman's matches now that the Samoan was suspended? (Speaking of the Samoan, it had been awhile since he had last seen the man…) Was this just a general 'good on you to get the title finally' acknowledgement? Was it his general good looks and charm and how he allowed the world to experience the glory that was Dean Ambrose? Was it not stabbing New Day with forks when he found them too peppy? What had he done that was so commendable recently?

"It makes sense with you being the champion; you are the leader of the locker room. I'm glad you're setting such a great…" Seth trailed off when he saw the look of confusion on Dean's face. The Architect sighed. "You have no clue what you did, do you?"

Dean shrugged. "If I do say so myself, my commentary during your match with Ziggler was pretty phenomenal-"

"Hey, _I_ am the Phenomenal One! Not you, Ambrose! How would you like it if I started calling myself the Lunatic Styles?" A passing-by AJ Styles shouted while Gallows and Anderson scowled at Dean and Seth.

Dean waved his hand and began to say, "I can't help it if-"

Seth shoved Dean. "Yes, you are the Phenomenal One. Dean didn't mean to encroach on your nickname territory."

Aj grinned, appeased. "It's alright, guys. We don't have to settle this with a fight." Gallows and Anderson nodded and followed the leader of the Club into Catering.

"You're such a suck up."

Seth sighed. "Shut up, Dean. Now you don't know what you've been promised to do?"

"...Do I have to make a _fine speech_ with Cena?"

Seth rolled his eyes. "No...you're supposed to deliver a birthday cake to Intern Eve."

"I have to what?"

"Deliver a birthday cake to-"

"No, I get that...But I have to do what?"

"Deliver Intern Eve's birthday cake to her."

"Seriously? Why do I have to do that?"

"Cause you're the champion? You represent the locker room?"

"But that's crap! I shouldn't have to suffer because I have the belt! Who decided this?"

Seth shrugged. "No clue, man. I was under the impression that you volunteered. I mean, at least that's what the rumors were saying."

"What rumors?!"

"The rumors that said you burst into Shane's office and interrupted his meeting with Stephanie, proclaiming that you wanted to deliver Intern Eve's surprise birthday cake since it's your responsibility as champion to set an example for the locker room and to show the importance of everybody in the company, not just the Superstars… And none of that actually happened, did it?"

"Nope"

"Huh…" Seth then shrugged. "Well, that really sucks for you."

"What do you mean 'sucks for me'?" Dean asked, suspiciously.

"You can't back out now. You'll lose all credibility with the locker room."

"But I don't want to deal with the bucket of crazy that is Intern Eve! That chick is terrifying!"

"Heh," Seth sniggered. "It's always entertaining hearing _you_ call someone crazy."

"Suddup! If I deliver cake to her, I'll probably be repackaged as a Chippendale dancer!"

Seth snorted and covered his mouth to stifle his laughter.

"Hey! This is serious!" Dean said, indignantly.

"Sorry, Sorry," Seth said with his hands in the air in a peace-maker gesture. "I just don't know what you would possibly want from me."

"Well...You could deliver the cake."

Seth snorted again. "Yeah right, Dean. I'm not that much of a masochist. I think I'll just put a healthy amount of distance between me and Intern Eve. _I_ want no part in this."

"But _Seth_ ," Dean said in a whiny voice. "You owe me!"

"What the heck are you talking about? I don't owe you anything."

"Yeah, you do! You owe me for that thing!"

"What thing?"

"The one thing."

"What thing?"

"The thingy thing."

"I don't owe you any favors and you know it."

Dean pouted. "Help a brother out, you heartless jerk."

Seth smirked. "I'm not heartless. I feel for you, but that doesn't mean I want to be a martyr."

"But you're Crossfit Jesus! You're obligated to be a martyr!"

"But I'm not literal Jesus! You're not allowed to crucify me!"

Dean suddenly grinned. "You sure about that, Sethie Boy?"

Seth frowned and backed away from Dean. "Yes, yes! I am positive!"

"You sure you don't wanna help little ol' me?" Dean asked with a pout.

Seth responded in a sarcastic tone. "You know, now that you mentioned it, Dean. I would love to go wrangle up a cake for the psycho Intern whose very goal in life is to make me miserable, and I would love to accompany you to go deliver it! How did you know?"

"That's a generous offer, Mr. Rollins! I'm glad you're stepping up along with Mr. Ambrose!"

Seth paled and turned to see Shane O'Mac standing with Stephanie. Stephanie had an amused smirk on her face while Shane looked happy-go-lucky and legitimately proud of Seth.

"I-uh-I"

Shane clapped a hand on Seth's shoulder. "The cake's down by catering. Just ask one of the staff members. I'm proud of both of you for stepping up to show your support for the company."

Stephanie added with a condescending tone, "Yes, Seth, you're sure showing us what caliber of a man you are. If you backed out, we would never forget it!"

Seth sighed. "Course, I'll help out Dean...That's what friends are for."

"Excellent! Now you two better run along to catering; just ask for the cake set aside for Eve. Come on, Shane; we need to hurry if we're going to make that meeting on time." Stephanie shot a parting smirk at the Architect, and Shane beamed at them.

"Well, that sucks for you," Dean said, mimicking Seth from earlier.

Seth scowled at Dean. "Whatever. Let's just get this thing over with." And the Architect stomped down the hallway the rest of the way to catering with a smug Dean following.

Seth marched up to the first member of the catering staff he saw. "Excuse me. We're here to pick up the birthday cake for Intern Eve."

The man blanched. "The birthday cake?"

"Yuuup, that's the one," Dean said, drawling.

"Well...There's a slight problem…"

"What problem?" Seth said, practically growling.

"The birthday cake might have been taken already…"

"Who the heck took the cake?" Seth winced. "Pun unintended."

"Rollins, Ambrose. You guys looking for this?"

Seth and Dean immediately zeroed in on a grinning AJ Styles who was holding a large fork-full of purple, leopard-print fondant covered chocolate birthday cake with the name "Eve" on the top.

"That's what you get for encroaching on my nickname territory! I have a copyright on anything phenomenal!" AJ shouted, waving the cake-laden fork in the air.

Seth huffed out a sigh and grabbed Dean's arm. "No, Dean. Not now."

"Ah, come on!"

Seth glared at the catering worker. "Please tell me you have another cake we could use. We don't have enough time to stop at a bakery for one."

The catering worker nodded quickly. "Yes! We have another cake! Only it's not personalized like that one was and it has a different inscription on it already."

"Good enough."

"We'll take it."

The worker practically sprinted to the back to bring out the cake, leaving Seth to hold Dean's arm to keep him from jumping AJ Styles and the Club.

"Here you go," the worker said, handing the cake over to Seth.

While holding the cake with one hand, Seth dragged Dean past the Club and out of catering.

"It's alright, Dean. You can terrorize Styles and the Club some other time. We need to get this stupid thing to Intern Eve before she goes on some kind of rampage and you really are repackaged as a Chippendale dancer."

Dean muttered under his breath, "I'd be a great dancer. No one has moves like me."

Seth shook his head. "You got me there, Ambrose. If anyone would be able to pull off that gimmick, it would be you… and maybe Fandango."

Dean shrugged. That was fair. He then mumbled something else under his breath.

Seth frowned. "What was that?"

"I said, do you wanna terrorize the Club with me?"

Seth considered the question for a moment. "If Intern Eve doesn't kill us, why not? We can figure something out."

The two stopped in front of the door to Intern Eve's office and stared at the polished mahogany.

"You can knock anytime, Seth."

"So can you, Dean."

They continued to stare at the door.

"How bad would it be if we didn't deliver this thing?" Dean asked.

Seth bit his lip. "You really wanna find out?"

"Well, if it would mean not having to do this, then yeah."

"Stephanie would use that against us..."

Dean shrugged. "What's the worst she can do?"

"Um, fire us?"

Another shrug was his response.

"Don't shrug at being fired! Have some dignity, man!"

Dean made a face. "I have dignity! I'm the most indignant person you'll ever meet!

"Sure, you are, Dean."

"Fine, I'll knock!"

Dean raised his fist up to pound on the door, but before he could, it swung open, revealing an intrigued Intern Eve.

"Ambrose? Rollins? What a nice surprise! Come on in!" Intern Eve stepped back and pulled the door open even more.

Dean whispered to Seth, "She's scarier when she's nice."

Seth nodded as they entered the lion's den. He handed the box to Intern Eve. "So we brought you this. It's a cake from the entire locker room…"

"Why'd you get me cake? And is it sanitary to eat a locker room cake?" Intern Eve asked in alarm.

Dean snorted. "Not literally. It's for your birthday."

"My birthday?"

"Yeah," Dean said with raised eyebrows. "You just turned 23 or something like that…"

Intern Eve shook her head. "It's my first birthday!"

Seth and Dean exchanged looks that clearly said they thought she was even more insane now than they did before.

Intern Eve pulled off the lid for the box and smiled. "Congrats?"

Seth sighed and prepared himself to explain the fiasco behind the random inscription.

"This is perfect! Birthday is the wrong thing to say to me since I was spawned off caffeine, imagination, and oddly placed PopEyes Chicken ads. Congrats makes more sense!"

"Okay then…" Dean said, tapping on his collarbone.

"I think it's time for us to go then." Seth nudged Dean.

"INTERN EVE!" Roman shouted as he burst into the office, pulling on the rope that lead an unhappy yak into the room behind him. The Samoan's beard was overgrown to Wyatt proportions, and there was an impressive amount of ice and snow in it. He focused crazed eyes on Intern Eve, Dean, and Seth. "What are you, two, doing here? Are you conspiring against me? You gave her a _Congrats_ cake for sending me to Siberia!?"

Intern Eve attentively watched the scene in front of her while scooping up finger-fulls of frosting to sample.

Dean shook his head. "Rome, I swear it's not what it looks like!"

"Why the hell were you in Siberia?" Seth asked.

Roman swore in Russian.

"And when did you learn Russian? Were you even gone that long?" Seth asked, bemused.

"Don't question the logic. It won't get you anywhere," Dean informed Seth.

Intern Eve yawned. "Well, this has been fun. I have things I need to do. People I need to recruit to my cause. Chao."

She carefully chucked the cake into Seth's face and walked over to the door. Shooting Roman the stink eye, she grabbed the lead rope from him and jumped onto the yak's back. "Mush mush!"

"EEEEUUUUGGGHHH!" The yak called and it trotted out of the office, majestically.

The former Shield members stared at the empty doorway in silence until Dean said, "I'm sorry about your reindeer, man. Intern Eve stole it."

"It's a yak, Dean," Seth corrected.

"I think it's an elk," Roman said.

"It's a yak. I'm sorry you were stuck in Siberia…" Seth said.

"That voman! I must meet her! She is the love of my life!" Ivan said as he burst into the room. "Roman the Philistine, you must introduce me!

Roman sighed. "Seth, Dean, meet Ivan. He's...Russian."

"Huh, Roman went to Siberia where he replaced me with Ivan and Seth with a reindeer...Sounds about right."

Seth scowled. "It's a yak!"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, if you really need to be right... He replaced you with a yak. I don't see how that's an improvement," Dean said with a smirk.

Seth sighed. "Welcome home, Roman."

* * *

Yup, that was a reference to the llama, sheep, lamb debate from when the Shield faced the Wyatt Family. What did you think?


	11. Pep Talk

Caylender's AN: This is written by Captain. Yay Captain!

Captain's a/n: On a sparse number of occasions, I have watched TNA. I have never truly been a fan of the product, but the buzz over the Final Deletion has been too great. I've said it to caylender, but watching that was like doing 10 years worth of drugs in 20 minutes. It's really so bad, it's actually really, really good, so if you have time, go to YouTube and check it out.

(XXXX)

Intern Eve stared stanchilly at the computer screen and blinked several times in confusion. What on the earth had she just watched? Why did she feel so thoroughly confused? Wait, had she finally been out done?

"I've… I've…"she stuttered unable to form words into coherent sentences. She sat a top of the stage crate with her laptop which was covered in leopard print; she firmly shoved it off to the side, disgusted and disappointed with herself, "I've lost my touch."

It was at that moment Seth and Dean were walking by on their way to catering to get some lunch and saw the strange intern struggling to form a sentence while also looking like she was on the verge of bursting out into tears.

"Should we ask her what's wrong?" whispered Seth, the kind hearted soul, to Dean who did not look like he wanted anything to do with the intern.

"Are you insane?! Do you really want to help crazy Intern Eve who gets a sick kick out of making our lives a living hell? This is probably all a trap, and she's getting ready to attack with a cake or put us in an animal onesie or repackage us as Magic Mike XXL askew dancers!" cried Dean as his voice crescendoed into a shout. Surprisingly though, Intern Eve didn't hear him because she chose that exact moment to burst into tears and start wailing like a banshee.

Much to Dean's annoyance Seth, the do-gooder, ran over and put a soothing arm around Intern Eve attempting to comfort the young woman.

"Intern Eve, honey, what's wrong?" questioned Seth a calming tone as she tried to get to her to stop wailing.

"Yea, what's wrong? Did you finally find out Styles and the Club ate your birthday cake?" asked Dean sarcastically as Seth shook his head knowing his brother was not helping the situation.

Abruptly, Intern Eve's head snapped to attention as she stopped crying and transfixed Dean with a stare of death. "What did you just say?"

The Lunatic Fringe shrank down under the Intern's powerful gaze.

"Uh… Ummmmm…. the Club ate your birthday cake?"

All of a sudden Intern Eve shot up from her spot next to Seth on the production crate. Her leopard print heels clicked heavily on the floor as she began pacing back and forth angrily.

"That's just great! Here I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking I've been out done. But I haven't been close to out done, not now, NOT EVER! I AM INTERN FUCKING EVE! I created Roaring Randall The Rooster, Sheep Dawg Seth Rollins, assisted New Day with numerous promos, brought the Shield together for the first ever Sundae Slam triple threat, got Dean Ambrose over by having him read a damn grocery list, I made you idiots help me buy ladders for Money in the Bank, I sent Roman freaking Reigns to Siberia! Just because my stupid idiot brother Intern Gary thinks he's so freaking brilliant for The Final Deletion with the Hardy's means nothing to me! NOTHING! I AM INTERN FUCKING EVE, HEAR ME ROAR!"

With that Intern Eve let out a primal scream filled with rage and turned sharply on her heel marching down the hallway. However, someone quickly ran into her path.

"Miss Vady Eve, you beautiful voman! I brought you some of Russia's best flowers for the world's most veatiful voman!" cried Ivan as he held out a beautiful bouquet of rare blue Siberian ice lilies out the intern.

"Get out of my way, you Russian weirdo!" cried Intern Eve as she shoved the flowers out of her face and pushed Ivan back against the wall with Roman Reigns like strength (in that moment Seth could of sworn Intern Eve had started doing CrossFit). "I have plans to make in order to completely take over this company (this way I will get RAW! The musical like I always wanted!) and then the world!"

Seth, Dean and Ivan all exchanged a look before Intern Eve calmed down turning her attention back to them.

"If you gentlemen excuse me, I have to go repackage AJ Styles and his little cronies as a Club sandwich. That'll teach those morons to eat my cake! No one takes my cake and gets away with it! I wonder how Anderson and Gallows feel about being dressed as a giant tomato and lettuce? Toodles!"

Seth, Dean and Ivan continued to stand their in awe not really sure what had just happened. Ivan holding his crushed flowers in his hands looking extremely exuberant.

"She is so into me!" Ivan chirped happily, "Vomen in Russia never react like this to rare Russian ice lilies, they usually vust run away screaming in horror! You will be mine yet, Vady Eve!"

With that Ivan walked away in search of Roman the Philistine, who for some reason had been missing from this scene. Ivan only hoped Vady Eve hadn't decided to send the man back to his homeland since his 30 day suspension truly wasn't up yet. Plus he wasn't going back to Siberia without his Vady Eve, so until she agreed, he wasn't going anywhere!

Meanwhile Dean and Seth continued to stare at each other confused by what had just happened.

"What just happened?" questioned Seth flabbergasted. Sure, they had all seen the Final Deletion, but Intern Eve knew who had created the segment and was floored. Now, now she was going to be even more zany since she had to out do her brother who worked in TNA. This did not bode well for him or his brothers or anyone else in the WWE locker room. Everyone was going to feel Intern Eve's wrath. Now, all of them were going to be extra careful not to irk the Intern.

"Intern Eve has a family," Dean muttered not believing what he had just heard, "I can't believe this. She has a brother named Intern Gary, who of all things, works for TNA."

"She has a family," Seth repeated.

Yep, this did not bode well for anyone in either WWE or TNA.

No one was safe.

(XXXX)

*a/n: Since Intern Eve has now been around for 1 year (HAPPY ANNIVERSARY INTERN EVE!), I told caylender it was time to expand her universe just a little, so enter stage left Intern Gary. Intern Gary has now been brought into the fold, so Intern Eve has to be on the top of her game and continuously up her rival, so what will she get up to now that she has competition? Stay tuned!

Also what did you think of the Final Deletion? Did you think it was groundbreaking? Or like doing 10 years worth of drugs in 20 minutes like caylender and myself thought?


	12. Don't Quote Me on This

**Caylender's AN:** Captain wrote this; I only proofed.

* * *

Intern Eve was having a good day.

She had just finished her production meeting and Stephanie had praised her for all the hard work she had been doing lately with the Superstars. She got to catering before most of the other workers and was able to get her favorite coffee drink, an iced vanilla double fudge wrapped cotton candy frappuccino. She even managed to read a bit from her book before the talent had started arriving. All in all it was a good day, and man, was it about to get even better.

"With all the powers of dark magic and voodoo, I curse this hereby cake and whoever eats it and doesn't have my blessing will speak in nothing but… but… but… famous movie quotes!" stated Intern Eve as she towered over a delicious cake catering had made for all the employees to celebrate a job well done with the brand split.

"Now, I just need to find the Club, feed this to them, and viola! Those Beat Up John Cena jokes will be a thing of the past! They'll be spitting out movie lines left and right! I love it when an evil plot comes together!" cackled Intern Eve as the skylight in catering showed a bolt of lightning cracking across the sky and a loud clap of thunder could be heard. The lights flickered, and Intern Eve was left saying, "Does no one in these damn arenas pay the electrical bill?"

Before Intern Eve could have her cake and eat it too, she was interrupted by another employee.

"INTERN EVE!" shouted the employee. "COME QUICK! BORIS THE YAK IS TRYING TO MAUL SHEAMUS! WE NEED A YAK WRANGLER AS SKILLED AS YOURSELF TO CORRAL HIM!"

Intern Eve sighed. Was her work never done around here?

Quickly, the young woman dashed out of catering and down the hallway to simmer down the raging yak before he killed the Celtic Warrior. As they made their way towards the erring yak, the employee asked, "where's Roman? Shouldn't he be the one to calm down the yak since the yak is his friend?"

Intern Eve shrugged as she sprinted. She was too busy being diabolical to keep track of Roman; that was a babysitting job she wanted no part of.

Even though, Intern Eve had been very productive that morning, she forgot one very important thing. She forgot to take the cake with her to deliver to the Club's locker room. So there, the cursed cake sat in catering waiting for any willing soul to consume the delicious delicacy and have the words of movie quotes burst out of their mouths.

Unfortunately, Seth Rollins wandered into catering at that very moment and saw the cake.

"Ohhhh cake," stated the man known to the internet community as Crossfit Jesus. Seth looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching and cut himself a small piece. He couldn't have too much since he would have to work it off in the gym later.

The poor sap didn't know what was coming.

After Seth had devoured his piece of cake with gumption, he figured he should find his brother in arms, the one, the only, Lunatic Fringe, Dean Ambrose, to go over their match tonight. However, it did not take Seth long to find the man since Dean chose that moment to enter catering.

"Seth, were we going to go over the match tonight? Or were you going to do weird press junket things all day for Stephanie?" complained Dean a bit annoyed that his brother hadn't yet shown up to rehearse the main event match they had for the evening.

"Hello. My name is Ingio Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die," Seth answered confused why on earth he had decided to say a movie quote to Dean instead of some snarky retort back at the elder man.

Dean looked at Seth with a quizzical expression. "Uh alright then, you quote the Princess Bride. That's fine. No judgement over here, my brother."

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," Seth once again answered and felt his confusion grow.

"Seth, are you feeling okay?"

"As if!" answered Seth in a very high pitched voice that made him sound like a teenage girl.

"You are not okay, if you're making me admit I watched Clueless with Renee and Blue last weekend on Netflix... " muttered Dean, "But seriously what on earth is wrong with you?"

"Houston, we have a problem!"

"No kidding," muttered Dean now getting a bit annoyed.

"You're a wizard, Harry."

"Jeez, Seth, your Gryffindor is showing," Dean said, huffing. "Are you just doing this to screw with me and show the world I'm a serious movie junky, or do you seriously have a problem, Seth?"

"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope," Seth answered as he quoted one of his all time favorite movies back to the Lunatic Fringe.

"Okay, I'll know if there's a problem if you answer this correctly: Surely, you can't be serious?"

Seth paused trying to stop himself but ended up blurting anyways, "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."

"I wonder what could have possibly caused this," Dean casually asked as he looked around catering noticing a book sitting open next to a cake that had a slice missing. "Huh, what's this?"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

"I'll agree with that," stated Dean as he examined the cake and held up the book which was labeled _Ameuater Voodoo for Beginers… Results May Vary. "Something smells rotten in Denmark."_

"You know an aquarium is a submarine for fish."

"Okay, now you're just spouting off random shit." grumbled Dean as he looked down at the page the Voodoo book was open to. "Huh, look at this. Somebody must have cursed the cake you ate; there's a spell for cursing edible objects. Be happy whoever did this to you decided not to make you say haikus the entire time."

"HEY!" shouted Intern Eve as she came marching into catering looking quite disheveled after all her yak wrangling. "WHAT DO YOU PUNKS THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"This does have your stench all over it," muttered Dean to Seth who only nodded in response, but another movie quote slipped out.

"Just keep swimming!"

"Yea, now you're just saying random shit. Intern Eve fix him. NOW." Dean growled.

"Seth, darling, did you seriously eat the cursed cake?" Intern Eve asked quite concerned. "That wasn't even intended for you. This was supposed to be eaten by the Club. I have to get my vengeance for all the wrongs they have ever done to me."

Seth scowled. "If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't. I will look for you. I will find you, and I will kill you."

"See, Seth gets that I want to torment the Club."

"I don't think Seth has a choice in the matter of what he is saying, Eve. We have a huge match tonight we need to go over. I can't wrestle with someone who can't call moves correctly."

"I mean, you did wrestle Brock."

"Intern Eve…" grumbled Dean yet again.

"Okay, okay, I'll fix him, just give me a second."

"It's the Circle of Life!" sang Seth out loud before quickly throwing his hands over his mouth horrified he had just belted that out.

Intern Eve skimmed quickly threw the voodoo book before beginning to read what she needed to do to reverse the curse.

"Don't worry bro, we'll get this fixed and you'll be back to normal in no time... or maybe you'll be stuck like this forever?"

"To infinity and beyond!" yelped Seth nervously.

"Let's hope not!"

"Alright you ninnies, all I have to do is say the following over the cake," Intern Eve moved over to the cake as Dean and Seth followed, "Let it be known, by powers vested in me Intern Eve, that Seth Rollins has my blessing, and this curse will no longer affect him! BOOM SHAKA LAKA!"

The lighting and thunder once again could be seen and heard outside.

"Alright, let's see if Seth's back to normal," Dean announced as he clapped his hands together. "Okay bro, say something, anything!"

"I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!"

"Damn it, Eve. He's quoting Titanic."

"Okay, first off, why do you know that's what he is quoting. Second, it should have worked!" answered Intern Eve as she scoured through the book.

Seth snorted and began laughing hysterically at the two before turning to look them. "I'm back to normal, no worries y'all! But seriously, Dean, how do you know that movie?"

Dean looked at the ground and mumbled, "Let's just go plan our damn match."

With that, Seth and Dean left catering trying to understand what had just happened.

Meanwhile, Intern Eve's stomach grumbled as she was hungry. Undoing her curses took a lot of her. She slowly dipped her finger into the frosting of the cake then licked it off her finger.

"I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!" shouted Intern Eve at the retreating Dean and Seth, who didn't even hear her since they were immersed in each other's conversation.

Before she could realize why she said that, she looked back at the cursed cake.

Uh oh.

The End.

*a/n: And sometimes Intern Eve finally gets her cummupenance. -captain :)

 **Caylender's AN:** So Captain wrote this piece. It might have been my fault? While talking to Captain on her lunch break on the phone, I stumbled across one of those super creepy celebrity news websites, which had this video of Seth Rollins reading off random, famous movie quotes for Yahoo! Movies...I have no freaking clue why that exists, or how they forced the guy into doing it, but being the fantastic person I am, I shared it with Captain, which might have spawned this thing.


	13. Not a Fighter but a Hugger

**I compared Bayley to Kim Possible for some reason, and this is the result. Yup...**

* * *

 _C_ **I compared Bayley to Kim Possible for some reason, and this is the result. Yup...**

 _Secret Agent Cesaro: Not a Fighter but a Hugger_

 _Cesaro the Secret Agent! TA DA! Double O Cesaro!_

"So Cesaro, we're pretty much guaranteed to die here, aren't we?" Seth asked as he swung back and forth from where he was dangling, tied up next to Cesaro.

Cesaro glanced, nonchalantly down at the big tank of water filled with sharks over which they were positioned. "Probably and it will most likely be extremely drawn out and painful."

Seth sighed. "Just once! Just once, I want you to lie to me. Console me! You don't have to always tell it how it is!"

Cesaro wanted to shrug, but since he was suspended upside down, he wasn't able to. "You want me to lie? I thought friendship was supposed to be based on honesty and respect. I respect you enough to not want to coddle you. I believe you should appreciate that."

"In theory? Great sentiment. In practice? This sucks. I hate this head rush…" Seth paused before exclaiming, "Wait! What about Kevin?"

Cesaro frowned in surprise. Normally, he never forgot about a variable. "Kevin the Dog?"

Seth scowled. "Nooo, I meant Kevin Owens. The guy that went totally batshit crazy, tied us up and hung us up over a freaking tank full of sharks! Of course, I meant my super intelligent dog!"

Cesaro rolled his eyes. "This attitude of yours is not helping anything." He carefully pursed his lips and let out a high pitched whistle.

Seth muttered under his breath how stupid it was to think Kevin could hear that when the poor Yorkie could be on the other side of the evil Canadian's base.

Not more than a couple minutes passed before Kevin the dog came barreling into the room, skidding to a halt before the tank. The Yorkie let out a panicked yip when Kevin the evil Canadian came sprinting into the room behind him and snatched the little doggie up by his neck scruff.

"You think you can just pee all over my Death Ray schematics and get out of here with no consequences? That's not how this works, you little rat!"

"Let go of Kevin!" Seth shouted, afraid for his little friend's safety. Yes, he found it annoying when Kevin stole his dinner right off of his table, but he could never wish ill on his Yorkie.

Kevin the disgruntled human looked up from where he was glaring at the dog. "What the heck are you talking about? Has the blood rushing to your head completely obliterated your intelligence?"

"The dog's name is Kevin, Kevin. If you hurt our friend, you will regret it," Cesaro said, calmly. Only Double O Cesaro could still sound threatening without raising his voice; he was the ultimate gentleman.

"I will hurt this stupid rat dog! I'll just drop him into that shark tank, and he'll be a delicious appetizer for those fish!"

Kevin growled.

"NO! NO! NO!" Seth squawked. "NOT THE DOG! JUST DROP CESARO INSTEAD! KEVIN IS INNOCENT!"

Cesaro glared at Seth.

 _Crash! Shatter! Bang!_

"Wait! Everybody just calm down!" A new voice called.

Four pairs of eyes swiveled over to the cute girl in the cargo pants, purple crop top, and side ponytail.

Cesaro smirked. "Bayley Possible, nice to see you again. You always know how to make an entrance."

Bayley stepped over the broken glass from the sky light she broke, smiling.

Kevin the human scowled. "I don't know who the heck this is! Who are you? Why are you interrupting my moment of revenge? I was about to start monologuing!"

 _Growl! Snap!_

"Oww! The little rat bit me!" Kevin yelled holding his hand, tenderly.

Kevin scampered across the room. The dog, that is; Kevin the human does not scamper. That would be weird.

"Get him Bayley!" Seth screamed.

"What?! She's going to fight me?!" Kevin the human cackled.

"Not exactly!" Bayley said with a grin. She leapt forward and seized Kevin the meanie in a…

hug?

Kevin the grumpy Canadian, who was previously building a Death Ray, smiled. He patted Bayley on the shoulder. "Good point, sweetheart. I'll go untie Seth and Cesaro, and then I'll go turn myself in. I'm a detriment to society!"

Bayley grinned. "Yeah, you are!"

After being freed by a former-evil-mastermind that was disturbingly happy, Seth turned to Cesaro with a suspicious look. "Did you know Bayley was coming the entire time?"

Cesaro shrugged. "Normally, this is El Generico's territory, but since he's currently taking all his orphans to Disneyland, he extended the invitation to both Bayley and me. I knew it was a matter of time before she showed up."

"How convenient is it that one hug from her can cause a face turn?" Seth picked up Kevin the dog and cuddled with the Yorkie.

"It's the perfect super power," Cesaro said in agreement.

"Come on, boys!" Bayley called. "We can walk Kevin the human down to the police station, so he's not alone!"

 _Bang! Snap! POW!_

"Never mind!" Bayley called. "Looks like he escaped on a motorcycle!"

Cesaro shook his head. "If only it weren't a temporary face turn."

Seth sighed. "Looks like our job is never over, Kev."


	14. Safari Seth!

Here's a weird piece. It involves a newly turned face Seth who's not really good at being good but just give him time! He'll get it eventually!

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this.

* * *

"Are you sure about this Seth? This is a little extreme," Bayley said, nervously. She peeked over the bush they were hiding behind to grab another look at the giraffe in front of them.

"No, your hat is extreme. This plan is just perfect."

Bayley pouted and she tugged on her tan safari hat that even had a hole for her side ponytail to poke out.

Seth sighed. "I'm sorry that was mean of me. I hope you're not sad now."

"You just have to realize your words have an effect on people," Bayley lectured.

Shrugging, Seth explained, "I know they have an effect… The whole being nice thing is something I haven't done for over two years. You can't blame me if I'm rusty and the occasional heel comment makes an appearance."

"I understand, Seth. You're going to need a lot more good guy therapy and anger management courses with Dr. Shelby, but hang in there, buddy! You'll get it eventually!"

"I've actually been meeting with Kane since he graduated from those anger management classes, and when he's not trying to actively drag me to hell, he's a nice guy," Seth said as he adjusted his hold on the extraordinarily large gun.

"But as I was saying before, Intern Eve insisted I do something for Finn, and _mumble mumble mumble_."

"Wait, what was that Seth?"

Seth grumbled under his breath.

"Speak up! I didn't catch that!"

"Ugh okay, fine! I said, I kinda feel awful for the guy, especially since I know how terrible it feels to be out like that... So I want to do something to make him feel better."

"Awww," Bayley said with a big grin. "I really want to hug you now."

"Ahh...I'm not ready for that," Seth said, awkwardly. He picked up his gun and focused its sights on the giraffe. "Okay Bayley, all I have to do is line up the shot and BAM! We'll have our own little _Get Well Soon_ gift for Finn."

"Umm, Seth? What the heck kind of gun is that?"

"Uhh, a bazooka?"

"What! You brought a bazooka!? What the heck, Seth?" Bayley screamed.

"You said we needed something strong!"

"I meant a strong dosage for the tranqs! We wanted to tranquilize the giraffe, not blow it to pieces! Why on earth would we give Finn chunks of barbecued giraffe?! We want to make him feel better, not traumatize him!"

"You might have a point there...Now that I think about it, Finn isn't the type of guy who'd enjoy an animal carcass… We're not talking about the Boogeyman here," Seth mused.

"How did you manage to sneak that in? You'd think the zoo would have confiscated it…"

Seth shrugged. "I wanted to go to Africa and go all out, but noo, Miss Hugger insisted that was a bad idea."

Bayley grinned. "Because that's a terrible idea."

"So what do we do now? You don't want to kill a giraffe, and I don't even think we could mail one safely. It probably would spoil. No one would feel better if they got a burned, rotten giraffe corpse in the mail…"

"Eww Seth!" Bayley shoved Seth, lightly. "Let's just get him a stuffed animal from the gift shop. It's less illegal!"

"Sounds good to me!


	15. How to Make an Entrance

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

Happy Wrestlemania!

* * *

Roman bounced in place, enjoying the feeling of pre-match jitters and adrenaline coursing through his body. He glanced around the backstage area, beginning to feel a little concerned. Where was the stuff for his entrance?

"Hey, Intern Eve!"

The small but fierce woman grinned as she hurried over to where he was standing. "What's up?"

"I was looking for it, but I don't see it sitting around. Where's the tank for my entrance?"

Intern Eve beamed. "There is no tank for your entrance! We (and by we, I really mean, me) came up with an even better entrance for you!"

Roman's heart stopped for a moment. "Another...entrance?"

"Yup! Here, I'll show since you're going out any moment now. Vince is giving me a raise for this idea."

"A raise?"

"Yeah! He said it's the best idea he's heard since the First Ever Sundae Slam! It'll make you look soooo B.A.! AND it'll solve all your crowd issues!"

Roman was kind of intrigued...but mostly worried.

Intern Eve lead him to a large crate. "Remember that yak you brought to the WWE?"

Roman scowled. "You mean from when you freaking mailed me to SIberia!"

"Yes, that's the one! I named him, Hector!"

Roman stared at her. "What does the yak have to do with anything?"

" **Hector** , has been pivotal to creating your entrance!"

Roman groaned. "I am not riding a yak into Wrestlemania."

"Heh, you're already in Wrestlemania: The Ultimate Thrill Ride! No, you're not riding Hector. As I was saying, I crossbred Hector."

"...With what?"

"A moose and then a llama."

"What?" Roman yelled. Everyone in the backstage area paused what they were doing to yell "What!" back at him.

"Meet Boris!" Intern Eve said with a mad scientist-esq cackle as she pulled open the side of the crate with a large rusty crowbar. She propped the crowbar on her shoulder and grinned at her creation.

Boris was a… giant llama with moose antlers and a small hunch on his neck. Boris also looked very angry. It growled at Roman.

When Roman found his voice, he asked, "How did you have enough time to bred that many generations?"

Intern Eve cackled again. "I am a genius!"

"I just wanted a tank..."

"Seriously, you're lucky! Hunter wanted this beauty for his entrance, but I saved him for **you**!"

Roman noticed Triple H bent over, laughing behind Intern Eve's back.

"Now get on Boris and make your entrance! I forced an Inca woman to hand-weave that saddle for you! It's made out of llama wool!"

Roman noticed the crudely made bright pink saddle with a lumpy dog on it.

Intern Eve pointed at the dog. "That's you! The Big Dog!"

Roman sighed, and he carefully climbed onto the saddle; the yak/moose/llama turned its head and hissed at him.

"He likes you! Now mush, mush!"

Boris started walking slowly forward out to the ring.

The crowd began its booing until they saw Boris. Most of the people stopped, staring at the llama hybrid with horror...To be fair, Boris was downright hideous and was hissing at everyone.

One brave, middle aged man let out a loud boo. "Roman, you suuuuuccccckkkk!"

Boris stopped hissing and spat an apple sized glob of spit right into the man's face.

Roman smirked and patted Boris' neck. This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship...Maybe that was too strong of a word. This was the beginning of an interesting partnership.


	16. A Mundane Meeting with Intern Eve

"So, I think one of the best directions to take the company is to have as little wrestling as possible," Intern Eve declared.

Barry McMullin scratched his chin, contemplating this new line of thought.

Mr. Arnez blurted out what everyone was thinking. "Aren't we a wrestling company still? One of the W's in WWE stands for wrestling…"

Mary Beth Mary said, "No, WWE stands for Walk WIth Elias. Don't you know anything Al?"

Intern Eve frowned at the mere mention of Elias. She would get that terrible musician if it were the last thing she did...but that was a dirty deed for another time. "Now now, you ninnies, listen here! Backlash showed us that the highest rated segment was not a wrestling match! It was the impromptu concert of Elias and further tomfoolery of the more musically inclined roster members sans Rusev!"

The boardroom was thoughtful as it considered this new tidbit of knowledge.

Intern Eve snapped her fingers and a projector roared to life, displaying a large pie chart behind her. "As you can see by my expertly calculated data, we need to have exactly 96.43 percent of every show to be chicanery such as this!"

Mr. Arnez said, "I thought our highest rated segment was the Intercontinental match."

Intern Eve rolled her eyes. "No! Our highest rated _segment_ was the impromptu concert of Elias and further tomfoolery."

Al nodded. "Tomfoolery."

Mr. Arnez frowned and dug through his papers that were full of data reflecting viewer numbers, Youtube likes, and general internet buzz. "I'm pretty sure that's not true...Wait, are you not counting _matches_ as _segments_?"

Intern Eve quickly snapped her fingers again, prompting Ivan to play the loud Norwegian death metal track over Mr. Arnez's question.

Barry McMullin began shouting over the feral growls of the metal singer, "What do you think the benefits would be for the company?"

Intern Eve smiled and snapped her fingers again, so the pie chart was replaced with a big arrow pointing up, which was labeled viewership and profit.

Barry McMullin stood up and shouted, "BRILLIANT! We'll initiate this immediately!"

Intern Eve smirked. "Now onto my next item of interest."

Mr. Arnez stood up. "This is ridiculous. We haven't even finished discussing your first id-"

The Norwegian death metal began blaring once again until Mr. Arnez gave up.

"Good. As I was saying before that rude interruption, the Woman's Revolution. We need to begin having more _pillow fight_ matches."

Mary Beth Mary sighed. "We can't do that. That's the nonsense we're going away from. It's disrespectful towards the women."

Intern Eve held up a hand. "No, you misunderstand me. Not _pillow fight_ matches for the women! But a tournament of _pillow fight_ matches where the winner is crowned the Universal Champion since we all know, aliens only crown royalty with pillow fights, thus a Universal Championship shall be bequeathed with such a match."

Barry McMullin nodded, sagely. That made sense.

Mr. Arnez said, "But Brock Lesnar is champion."

Intern Eve swiveled towards him. "What?"

"Brock-"

Intern Eve interrupted the exasperated man, "What?"

"Brock-"

"WHAT?"

"BROCK LESNAR!"

"Goodness, there's no need to shout! I am right here."

Mr. Arnez took several deep breaths. "Brock Lesnar is champion."

Intern Eve tilted her head. "I have no idea who that is, so your point must be irrelevant. NEXT!"

Mr. Arnez threw his papers into the air. "I QUIT!"

Al sniggered. "She said _pillow fight_ matches, not _I Quit_ matches."

Mr. Arnez screamed and stormed out of the boardroom.

Intern Eve shook her head. "What was his problem? Some people… My next item has to do with the serious lack of clowns on the roster. This is a grave problem…"


	17. The Club Sandwich Shoppe

The Club Sandwich Shoppe

a/n i: hey, cap here! I had this in a notebook and I don't think I have ever shown it to caylendar, but for some reason, I felt the need to type it up now and add it to Intern Eve's verse of stories. This follows caylendar's story 'It's A Yak!' Also, early birthday wishes to our favorite Intern as she is about to turn 3 years old this month!

(XXXX)

AJ Styles was in hell.

Not literal hell run by Satan that was 1,000 degrees and just below the orient, where demons drove slaves through tortuous and laborious tasks.

No, AJ Styles wasn't in that hell. No, this was a hell created by a certain crazed intern.

"Hey Mom, can we stop and by a sandwich?" exclaimed a little boy. The little boy and his mother stopped where they were headed and came over to the small sandwich shop. The little boy looked at the man behind the counter before squinting at him and asking, "Aren't you AJ Styles? Why are you working at a sandwich stand?"

AJ had an answer that started and ended with a certain leopard print wearing Intern, but as he gritted his teeth together and was about to answer did Anderson and Gallows appear.

"Hey kid, I'm Tommy the Tomato!" grumbled Anderson with false cheer. AJ shook his head in shame while also being incredibly embarrassed by what the man was wearing. Karl's costume was that of a plump, bright red tomato and horrendously oversized Mickey Mouse gloves.

This couldn't get any worse, AJ thought to himself.

But, oh did it.

"Did you know tomatoes are excellent sources of Vitamins C and K, so be sure to put them on your sandwich!"

As AJ silently and invisibly facepalmed, he noticed Gallows off to the side. The tall man was glumly looking at the ground. Then the Phenomenal One saw what Luke was wearing. Similar to Anderson's getup, Gallows had an elongated green costume on with dark emerald leggings. The man was dressed as a giant pickle!

The WWE Champion sighed. Somewhere along the line, the three had pissed off someone who had a nag for leopard print and was not the sanest of interns. By the way, how was she still an intern? She'd been interning for WWE forever, shouldn't she be graduating and have a full-time job by now? Or were they all just stuck in a constant time loop? Sure, wrestling felt like that sometimes, but was Intern Eve actually the puppet master of them all? Was she a higher power than Vince that was toying with them and controlling their lives? Or was she just perpetually ageless and as long as she kept making them money she would be around?

AJ's brain started to hurt. He was trying to apply logic to where there was none.

"Yoohoo boys!" AJ snapped out of his reverie as the young woman who had caused them to work in this diabolical establishment waved at the three of them. He hated her for convincing the hire-ups that this would a good PR move to showcase how he, Gallows and Anderson were men who wanted to help support their community and give back.

AJ thanked his lucky stars this was his first run-in with the Intern that Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns had often deemed as crazy. For some reason, she usually took a liking to torture those three, but apparently he, Gallows and Anderson was her latest obsession.

Surprisingly at this moment, she was flanked by Rollins and Ambrose. Today, they must not have been too afraid of her crazy since they were following her closely.

"Hello, sir? You in there?" asked the Mom as she waved a hand in front of AJ's face before he regained his focus on the mother and son in front of him. "Can we please get those two club sandwiches I asked for?"

AJ sighed as he looked over at his boys, excuse me his vegetables, who were now entertaining the young lad.

"Of course ma'am," AJ grumbled, "$9.99 for both sandwiches and it's ready faster than you can say, Beat Up John Cena!"

How had AJ gone so wrong and ended up here?

(XXXX)

Where had Intern Eve gone so right with this revenge plan of hers?

Everywhere, duh.

Sure, the costume store didn't have the lettuce costume like she had originally wanted, but they had that pickle one and it worked wonders on Gallows.

When she told Ambrose and Rollins of her exploits, they were shocked beyond belief that she wasn't torturing them and Roman for once in her existence. Intern Eve's thirst for revenge against the Club for eating her cake was greater this day than her desire to exploit the Shield to make the company as much money as possible.

"It's the Bullet Club Sandwich Shoppe," exclaimed Intern Eve boldly and proudly so everyone could hear her in the surrounding area. Then her face darkened and fell to just a whisper that only Dean and Seth heard, "This is why you don't fuck with Intern Even by eating her cake."

Dean and Seth took a big step away from the feisty intern before looking on in awe and being thankful they weren't involved in the crazed intern's scheme for once in their lives. All seemed to be well and good until Gallows began to approach them.

Out of nowhere, Seth started screaming bloody murder and running around like a chicken with his head cut off as Gallows chased him around trying to ask him about getting a new Seth Rollins t-shirt for one of his nephews.

"What's wrong with Rollins?" questioned Intern Even confused by the high flyer's screams of bloody murder.

Dean, who was bent over laughing hysterically, stopped and composed himself. "Seth hates pickles, despises 'em. So to see a giant one in person must have overloaded his brain or something. I don't say this often, but your awesome Intern Eve."

"Thank you, Mr. Ambrose. You aren't half bad yourself just don't ever betray me by eating my cake or doing something stupid like that other brother of yours then I won't have to send you to Antarctica."

"You know you ruined the moment just now, right?" questioned the wrestler as he saw the intern just shrug one shoulder, "Also speaking of Roman, where is he? Last I saw him, he was trying to feed Ivan's Yak and that other monster you created for him."

Intern Eve shrugged nonchalantly, "Eh, who knows? Well, I hate to torture and run, but the New Day asked me to help them with their latest pancake recipe. Catch ya' later!"

With that, Intern Eve bid her adieu. Dean chewed on a thought for a second, maybe Intern Eve wasn't so bad after all. Then he looked around at his surroundings to see the Bullet Club Sandwich Shoppe and a traumatized Seth still running away from Gallows. He sighed shaking his head and going to go wrangle his tag team partner.

Nope, Intern Eve was the devil and WWE was her playground.


	18. The Epic Battle for Seth Rollins

So this doesn't _really_ fit in perfectly in a certain point of time, but that's fine. :) Captain wanted a serious, kinda angsty take on a battle between Finn and Dean for the right to be Seth's tag partner. And I was like, totally, I'll hook you up! So here's crack... For some reason, I couldn't get the serious version to work. Oh well, I hope she likes this anyways. She helped proof, and I'm pretty sure she thought I was nuts the whole while.

Mechanically speaking, all the bold sections are in the very now present and the regular text is earlier that day.

 **Disclaimer: WWE owns the wrestlers, duh. I just own Carla and Intern Eve.**

* * *

" **So, I just had the weirdest first day of work ever," said Carla, the newest P.A. in the WWE.**

" **Yeah? The WWE is wackier than we thought?" Her sister asked.**

" **You have no idea," she said with a thousand-yard stare. "Apparently P.A.'s are virtually invisible backstage; it's the weirdest thing. Like even Intern Eve, who by the way, I'm paid to follow around and assist, would forget I was right next to her! So I spent most of my day completely ignored like I was a ghost! Like behind the scenes, there I was following Intern Eve around when,"**

"Why, there you are! It's my favorite Universal Champion!" Intern Eve exclaimed. She sprang out from a stack of crates that she had been hiding behind for the last 45 minutes with the knowledge that a certain someone would pass by.

Seth refrained from rolling his eyes. "I'm the Intercontinental Champion, not the Universal."

Intern Eve looked surprised. "Since when? Wait, who's the Universal Champ?"

"...Lesnar"

"Who?"

How did Intern Eve get away with working at WWE and not knowing who the current champ was? Seth gave her a disbelieving look. "Brock Lesnar? Big dude, pink face? Suplex City? ...Ring any bells?"

"Oh my God… Don't I feel terrible! I thought that was an escaped silverback gorilla from a local zoo. They're critically endangered, I'll have you know. Diminishing habitats and Ebola are among some of the threats... I hope I don't get fined by the zoologists who came to tranq him. But I suppose that's only if they figure out he's not a valuable alpha male," Intern Eve mused.

Seth gaped. "You what?" He thought for a moment and said, "Never mind. What did you need?"

Intern Eve grinned. "I just wanted you to carry this box for me. It's _so_ heavy, and I need someone _strong_ to help me!"

Seth stared at her. "Why are you laying it on so thick? All you have to do is say 'please'. And wait, aren't you like insanely strong?"

Intern Eve scowled. "Just pick up the damn box, or I'll sic the zoologists on you... _please_."

Actually rolling his eyes this time, Seth grabbed the box. "Jeez, this is heavy. Where to?"

"Oh, over here in the dark corner behind those crates."

"So why are you holding a baseball bat?"

"What baseball bat?" Intern Eve shifted the object in question out of Seth's line of vision.

"The one behind your back."

"Ohh, this baseball bat? I was practicing destroying things with it, so when I see Elias again, I can efficiently eliminate his stupid guitar until it's a collection of toothpicks."

Seth debated whether or not to inquire about the insane Intern's vendetta against the hipster musician, but if he were to be honest, he didn't want to implicate himself. "Okay then… Eve, this weighs a ton. What do you have in this box? A bunch of rocks?"

"Why, yes!"

"You're actually serious. Why?"

"It's a rock collection!"

"You collect rocks?"

"No! I said it's _a_ rock collection, not _my_ rock collection."

"Then whose is it?" Seth asked, exasperatedly.

"IT'S MINE!" Braun Strowman (Ahem, I mean, BBBBRRRRAAAAUUUUUNNN) yelled as he grabbed the box out of Seth's hands. Then the Monster among Men smacked Seth, sending the Architect into a pile of wooden crates.

Carla shrieked and hid behind Intern Eve, who seemed to remember she was there for a split second. "Shoo. Outta my way, minion."

Intern Eve skipped over and smacked Seth on the back of the head with the baseball bat for good measure. "Yup, he's not waking up anytime soon." She eyed up Braun, curiously. "Would you mind moving him for me?"

The Monster among Men was carefully sorting through his rock collection, making sure all his precious finds were accounted for. When he was satisfied everything was there, he stared at Intern Eve. "Why?"

"I wanted him to pass out closer to that." She pointed to the corner.

Braun eyed the corner and raised an eyebrow. "What the hell for?"

Intern Eve shrugged. "The greater good, really. I'm sick of NXT getting all the critical attention and NJPW getting 7 out of 5-star matches, so I am going to manufacture the greatest main event of all time with some of the realest stakes and drama. Will they get their friend? Or will he live in a shark cage for the rest of eternity in the corporate headquarters? Find out tonight on RAW only on USA! Check your local cable provider for times."

Braun considered the situation. He had nothing against Rollins. The guy was nice enough, and they even tagged together before, but then again, Intern Eve was one of those people who was better as an ally than a foe. He stepped forward and grabbed Rollins' arm. He dragged the Architect to the corner and stuffed him into the shark cage. He grabbed his rock collection and stalked towards the locker room.

He growled, "I don't want anything else to do with whatever you're doing."

Intern Eve shrugged as she chained the door shut. "Just don't let him out, and we won't have any problems." She didn't need anything else from the big man. She carefully covered the shark cage with a big blanket and left the room, whistling and practically skipping. She slinked into catering where she saw five zoologists cornering Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman.

Nope, that's not who she was looking for. Besides, that wasn't her problem. At all. Or at least, they wouldn't trace it back to her.

She casually flounced out and headed to the locker room. She needed to find out where a demon lurked.

"So wasn't that very illegal?" Carla asked as she followed Intern Eve.

" **So, not only am I positive she can't go around and assault WWE Superstars...especially without permission, but I don't think she can actually imprison anyone in the corporate headquarters basement, but I digress.**

" **Next, I was tasked with giving the Lunatic Fringe an invitation to a match. He walked right past me. So I stuck around to see his reaction before I went to check on Seth Rollins."**

Dean went to find his bag, and was surprised and faintly horrified to see a leopard print envelope sitting on top of it. He suspiciously picked it up between two fingers and held it away from his body as though he was afraid it would explode.

To be fair, it _was_ from Intern Eve, so anything was possible.

He carefully peeled off the big black heart sticker, unsealing it, and he pulled out the typed piece of paper out.

 _Dear Dean,_

 _I have found the competition to be Seth Rollins' tag team partner frankly_ disturbing _. It's time to find out who Seth's real partner is. Your match tonight is canceled in favor of a main event, blood brawl between you and Finn Balor and whoever else I may decide to throw in there as well. Oh wait, the best part is Seth will be placed in a shark cage over the ring. It will be the most successful, most viewed, highest rated, 20 billion star match in recorded history. If it isn't and you and Finn fail to garner the accolades I so deserve, I will announce a Second Ever Sundae Slam between you and Finn...and probably Seth._

Don't disappoint me,

 _Intern Eve_

Okay...It seemed like it was time to find Seth and jump ship before Seth got shoved into a shark cage. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Seth's number.

"Hello!" Intern Eve greeted in a chipper voice.

Dean frowned and hung up. It looked like he had the main event that night.

Intern Eve scowled. It was so rude to hang up on someone.

" **I'm not going to lie. I felt bad for the man. He clearly had a concussion or something. He didn't even see me sitting on a metal chair next to the shark cage. I brought him a first aid kit because he would have the world's' worst headache when he came to. He freaked out, dude. The scene went as follows:"**

Seth opened his eyes and blearily squinted at the ceiling from his awkwardly curled up position on the floor. The ceiling was way lower than he remembered...and metallic...and barred.

Wait, barred? He sat up quickly and regretted it as his head throbbed in protest. He groaned and gingerly rubbed the back of his head, feeling an alarmingly big lump.

What the heck happened? And why was he in a shark cage? This had to be the sickest prank ever pulled on him.

With a twinge of disappointment, he noticed that there were chains wrapped around the door, locking him in.

"Okay, keep calm. This isn't a problem. I'll just call for help," Seth muttered as he reached into his jean pocket, only to find that his phone was missing. Wow, this was just unfair.

That was fine. No problem. He was Seth _freaking_ Rollins, the Architect. He could figure out a way out of this. He pondered how to escape.

Then very slowly, he stood up, gripping the bars in order to maintain his balance. He took a deep breath and began to violently shake the door, rattling the chains and screaming on the top of his lungs.

"HEEEELLLLLP! HEEEELLLLLLLLP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP!"

"Hey, shut up! Or you'll get these hands."

Seth stopped screaming and winced, grabbing at his pounding head. He squinted at the figure walking towards him. "Strowman?"

"What are you making all that noise for? I'm trying to do some research out here on jasper and chert. You're making it hard to concentrate," Strowman said, matter of factly.

"So…" Seth stared at the big man. He wasn't sure if it were the inevitable concussion from his head wound, but it sounded like Strowman was a geologist. "Wait, what?"

Strowman sighed. "Chert and jasper: microcrystalline forms of quartz."

Seth stopped himself from retorting with a sarcastic comment. He wanted to keep Braun on good terms if he were to escape this. "Right, my bad. Do you mind letting me out of here?"

Strowman considered. "Can't."

Seth frowned. "Braun, you're probably the hands-down strongest guy in the WWE. You can easily rip the door right off."

Strowman nodded in agreement and unconsciously flexed his arms a bit. "I am."

"So you can totally let me out right now."

"I can't."

Seth let out a huff of breath. "Why not?"

"Sorry, but I made a promise to a little lady. I can't let you out."

"A little lady?" Seth groaned. "Intern Eve? You can't be serious."

Strowman frowned. He actually felt kind of bad for the man. "Here, take this. It will make you feel better." He held out a small red rock. "It's jasper."

Seth accepted it, still confused. "Thanks?" He leaned against the back of the cage and sank down to the floor. "So do you know why I'm in here?"

Strowman shrugged. "Intern Eve is unhinged and has big plans for you. And don't bother yelling for help. No one knows you're down here. And you'll just make your head worse." Strowman sat on a crate and began reading his book once again.

"Great. Just great," Seth mumbled as he just noticed a first aid kit sitting next to the shark cage with some aspirin inside. At least some things were looking up.

" **But seriously, the match itself. Hot garbage. Everything that you can imagine going wrong went wrong! But nooo, Intern Eve seemed to think it was a 20 billion star match. And don't get me started on her ring announcing.** _ **I**_ **could've done a better job."**

"Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to your main event!" Intern Eve shouted into the microphone. "In one corner weighing 225 pounds from Las Vegas is Dean Ambrose!" She announced his name with clipped vowel sounds and unenthusiasm.

Dean's music began playing.

"Hey! Enough of that!" Dean's music abruptly stopped.

Dean jogged out to the ring without music.

"And his opponent, weighing 190 pounds from somewhere in Ireland, Finn Balor! Don't interrupt me with music!"

Finn looked confused as he walked down the ramp to no music.

Intern Eve then held up the mic and said, "And their opponent, weighing 245 pounds from Chicago, Illinois, Jason Jordan. NO MUSIC."

Jason Jordan came out in a neck brace and pajama pants, walking down the ramp. He looked like Intern Eve abducted him from his home.

"And their opponent, weighing 250 pounds from Saint Louis, Missouri, Roaring Randall the Rooster!" She paused. "You can play his music."

An odd song made up entirely of chickens' clucking and roosters' crowing began playing as Randy Orton - I mean, Roaring Randall the Rooster - came strutting out in his feather-covered suit with Charlie the Chick at his side, holding her gummy worms.

"And weighing… You know what? Who cares what they weigh and where they're from? Next is Roman Reigns! And Jimmy Jacobs! And Kane!"

The three men - rather, the two men and one demon- came down the ramp and entered the ring.

"And let me introduce you to the prize, SETH ROLLINS! The spotlight turned on and swiveled up to the shark cage hanging over the ring with an annoyed Seth Rollins inside.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The bell rang.

" **To say the match was chaotic is an understatement. I guess somewhere down the line it became a battle royal? Which is weird since they never announced it officially."**

The crowd ooo'd and awww'd as various superstars were chucked around the ring. Well, everyone besides Jason Jordan who respectfully pointed out that he was still not medically cleared and quickly escaped to the back with a brisk walk.

Roaring Randall the Rooster performed an RKCrow onto Jimmy Jacobs, who by all accounts shouldn't have even been there since he had been released by the company over a year ago as a writer… Not even he was certain how Intern Eve got him cleared to participate in the match. Roaring Randall the Rooster pinned the ex-writer, and he was eliminated.

Just as Finn demolished Kane with a Coup de Grâce and swiftly pinned the Devil's Favorite Demon, a column of fire shot out of the ring, shooting right past Seth's cage and providing the cover Kane needed to escape into a puff of smoke.

Roaring Randall the Rooster chucked Finn Balor into the ring post, and the feathered man began his victory crow; however, it proved to be too soon.

Roman and Dean exchanged but one look before they began mauling the wrestling poultry. Raining fists and elbows collided with Roaring Randall the Rooster.

Meanwhile, Finn seemed to jolt back into consciousness and he climbed up onto the ring post. Was he setting up another Coup de Grâce?

Dean hit Roaring Randall the Rooster with a Dirty Deeds, and Roman pinned him for an elimination.

Finn casually leaped over from the ring post to the shark cage, clinging to the bottom before he slowly began pulling himself onto the side of the cage, seemingly unbothered by how the cage swung back and forth under his weight.

" **Okay, let me just add that I have no idea how Balor made that jump. It was superhuman. Maybe that's the demon side showing? And I have no idea how Seth didn't throw up either. Like the dude clearly had a concussion after that psychopath smacked him with a baseball bat, and that shark cage was swinging around like a wind chime during a tornado."**

"Are you going to let me out? Can you pick locks?" Seth was asking Finn in a hopeful voice.

Finn examined the chains for a moment before dropping them and shrugging. "It's okay, buddy. I'll just take out your buddies and rescue you. Why don't you think of a tag team name while you wait up here, yeah?"

"Wait up here?" Seth asked. "What are you doing?"

Finn was climbing up to the top of the shark cage. "Finding a better vantage point. What are they doing down there?"

"Uhh, it looks like they're just talking." Seth peered over the edge.

"What side are they on?"

"They're towards the entrance ramp. You're not dumb enough to jump from here. That fall might actually kill a man. What are you planning?" Seth suspiciously looked up at Finn. However, Finn was gone. A black and red face peered down with a sinister grin. There was only the Demon.

Meanwhile Roman and Dean were essentially having the big confrontation that had been building up for years.

"You know, Roman, you haven't been the most dependable friend I've ever had," Dean explained very politely.

Roman frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, there have been times in the past where I was being double teamed and absolutely destroyed, but you rarely made the save. I mean take my issues with the Miz or Sheamus and Cesaro. It took Seth there to intervene when we weren't even friends at that point."

Roman nodded. "I get absorbed into my issues a lot of the time."

"You do. Sometimes your pursuit of championship gold blinds you from noticing the people you care about needing your help."

"You're right."

"Also, you need to know that Seth and I aren't sidekicks. We're realized individuals."

Roman pulled Dean into a hug. "I'm sorry, brother. I'll be more considerate in the future."

Fans in the crowd alternated between grumbling at the lack of a blood feud and awwing at the brotherly fluff.

But the moment was ruined when Roman abruptly shoved Dean towards the edge of the ring. Dean turned to look at Roman in betrayal, only to see the Demon soaring down from the heavens in a Coup de Grâce and landing onto Roman's sternum in a truly spectacular blow.

The crowd began a "Holy Shit" chant.

" **So I was convinced Roman was dead. Like that should have shattered his rib cage. I mean, who can survive something like that?"**

Roman groaned and pulled off his vest, tossing it out of the ring. When it hit the concrete, it made a metallic clanging sound.

One of the fans in the second row jumped out of his seat. "I knew it! I knew it! Roman uses illegal bulletproof body armor! That's why he beat Rusev at Hell in a Cell!"

The fan next to him sighed. "Mike, that was two years ago. Drop it, dude."

"NO! I HAVE EVIDENCE! I WILL EXPOSE HIM!"

Some men in black WWE T-shirts with sunglasses came by and dragged that fan to the back with no explanation.

" **Yeah...I don't really know what they did with that fan. I guess there's a bit of a conspiracy/cover-up thing going on? From what I can tell, it seems like fans aren't supposed to know that Roman's vest is heavy duty armor. And more concerningly, Intern Eve apparently replaces the steel lining with tin foil when she gets mad at him. But that's just a rumor the other P.A.s discuss over coffee. Now that I think about it, they also spread the one about the cover-up, men in black stuff. Maybe I should cut back on coffee breaks…"**

Roman smirked. "You know it takes more than that to bring me down."

The Demon stood up, tongue wagging mockingly.

Dean began rummaging beneath the ring, hoping to find something vaguely useful.

Seth sighed. This damsel in distress business was getting old very quickly.

Inside the ring, Roman and the Demon were duking it out. Dean watched carefully as he finally decided on a kendo stick. The Demon climbed onto the ring post, but Roman shoved the Demon off, and the creature rolled out of the ring and ended in a crouch.

Roman slid out of the ring, and the three started brawling.

" **It was right about here when the shark cage lowered a good seven or so feet. I can confirm that it wasn't planned."**

Seth was trying to figure out if the pulley system was beginning to break or if this was supposed to happen. He didn't think this wasn't planned. They would've tipped him off beforehand. Right? And he could still see the guys fighting, so the match wasn't over.

"BBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUNNN!" The Monster among Men began stalking down the ramp.

At this point, Seth was beginning to entertain the notion that his past sins were to blame for his current predicament. He wondered if it was time to find God.

Braun made a beeline to the ring. At this point, the shark cage was low enough that Strowman could reach up and grab the bottom, but he seemed to ignore it in favor of entering the ropes to look at the brawl happening in front of the announce tables, just staring like a predator planning his next meal.

So, ideally Roman or Dean win, Seth mused. Finn wasn't too terrible an option; the Demon was another story: too unpredictable, too concerning. But Strowman… Strowman was another story. Strowman couldn't win. Seth pulled the piece of jasper out of his pocket from earlier, and he chucked it at Strowman.

However, Strowman turned and the rock sailed past him, hitting…

Hitting a fuming Intern Eve who was marching up to the ring to do only God knows. The woman was hit square in the forehead and was out cold. Just collapsed right there ringside.

Ohhhh shit, Seth's eyes said it all. He was a dead man.

Strowman shot a smile at Seth, apparently thinking Seth had his back and had stopped Intern Eve from kicking the Monster out of the match.

Reaching up, Strowman grabbed the shark cage and pulled, somehow ripping it from the cords suspending it. Then Strowman simply carried the cage to the edge of the ring and dropped it outside the ring. It bounced a few times, and Seth was thrown around in it. He exited the ring and picked the cage up and just walked backstage.

After a couple of minutes, the brawling Superstars noticed Rollins was gone….as was the cage.

"What the hell happened here?" Roman asked. "Is that Intern Eve laying on the floor?"

Without a word, Dean ducked under the ring. When Roman asked him later that night what he was doing, he would give a lame excuse of reorganizing the kendo sticks. If he were to give a serious answer, he would say he wanted no part in whatever Intern Eve would do when she awoke, so it would be much better to hide under the ring.

Intern Eve slowly sat up; her eyes were dazed. However, she narrowed her gaze on Roman and Finn. "That's it! You're headlining the Second-Ever Sundae Slam!" She stood up, wobbly on her stiletto heels and began trudging to the back, all the while muttering under her breathe about incompetent Superstars and ufos.

" **So I'm pretty much positive at this point that Intern Eve is nuts. She seriously thought that Seth had been abducted by aliens. I told her that I saw Strowman walk off with the whole shark cage, but she just stared at me and asked how I got past security because fans weren't allowed back here. Then I reminded her that I worked for her. She just said, 'huh' and walked away. Yeah…"**

The ref didn't know what to do about the match. Technically, no one really won, but he wasn't about to tell that to Strowman. He liked having all his limbs attached, thank you very much.

Just when he was about to duck under the ring and hide, too, a young woman came up with a microphone.

Carla nudged him and muttered, "Stand next to me and give me some credibility if you don't mind."

The ref shrugged. He was probably going to be fired that day, so what was there to lose?

" **Okay, let me preface this by saying that I have no clue why I did this. I swear it seemed like the most logical thing at the time...Don't worry I realize I don't have any actual authority, and I'm totally going to be fired when I go into work tomorrow. The fans just seemed so disappointed, and my logic was at least they would get like two segments next RAW from this."**

Carla took a deep breath and said, "Ladies and gentlemen! With that shenanigan-filled ending, it has been decided that Seth Rollins will have the rotating partners of Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Finn...well- The Demon, and Braun Strowman. The newly named partners are tasked with organizing a custody schedule, which is basically a Fatal Fourway to be held quarterly to decide who Seth will tag with for those three months. The rotating partners must be civil in between matches; otherwise, they run the risk of being removed out of the rotation…permanently. The WWE will also introduce a new title belt to coincide with this honor to distinguish the tag partner."

Carla seemed to realize what she announced was a little kooky and said, "And if you'd excuse me, I need to make sure The Monster among Men refrains from eating the Intercontinental Champion because that would probably result in a lawsuit. Thank you and good night." Carla handed the microphone to the ref and slide out of the ring to head backstage.

The three Superstars were staring at the P.A. with bafflement.

"Is that the real replacement for Kurt-" Roman started asking Finn before he paused. Did the Demon talk?

The Demon ignored him and stared at Carla from his place, crouching on the floor. He slowly began crawling around the ring, stalking her.

Roman wondered if he should stop him because that was pretty creepy.

Dean appeared under the apron. "Have you ever seen that chick before? I haven't. Did we get another anonymous GM or whatever? Did the higher ups replace Intern Eve as temporary GM with her? Does she even work here? Or do you think she's a rogue fan? Huh...probably a rogue fan. There's no way she could be a writer or a caterer or a P.A. or something. I mean, we would've seen her around before now... "

Roman put an arm around Dean's shoulders and directed him to the back.

"Like I am positive she doesn't work here. But between you and me, hopefully, they make that a real title. But then again, would that only inflate Seth's ego more?" Dean rambled.

The two walked past the gorilla, which held a horde of backstage personal who were absolutely freaking out at all the new developments that were just announced.

"Like he'd think he's hot shit if tagging with him grants you a title. And can the world even handle him if his ego grows? We're going to have to really consider if it's ecologically sound." Dean's hands were gesturing wildly as he emphasized his point.

They walked past about two dozen zookeepers who were wheeling out a shark cage with an unconscious Brock Lesnar in it. The man had a huge tranquilizer dart stuck into the side of his neck. Paul Heyman was arguing with the zookeeper that held a clipboard. He had a safari hat on, so he probably was in charge.

"But then again, I do like tagging with the dude. We're pretty compatible wrestling-wise. It's nice You know? Though, I wouldn't say no to a title shot," Dean mused.

Roman nodded, absent-mindedly. "I get that. Tagging is familiar. It's nice, 'specially with you chuckleheads."

"Exactly!"

"Hey! You! Ambrose and Reigns, tell these men that Brock is not a Silverback Gorilla!" Paul Heyman begged. The safari hat zookeeper looked at them, suspiciously.

The two members of the rotating partners of Seth Rollins glanced at each other with cocked eyebrows.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dean said. "Didn't you steal that gorilla from Africa years ago with the idea of forcing him into professional wrestling to make millions? It's both cruel and unusual."

"What!" Heyman practically squealed.

Roman nodded. "That's what I remember hearing."

The zookeeper glared at Heyman. "That's animal abuse."

"Good luck with the criminal charges," Dean said to Heyman with a grin.

"Why you fu-" Heyman was cut off by the zookeeper yanking on his arm to pull him after Brock.

"Hey Ro," Dean asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did that strike you as weird?"

Roman thought for a moment. "Not really."

"Huh. Me neither. I think we should be worried about that. Nothing seems weird anymore. I think it's a product of Intern Eve's Reign of Terror."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the horde of zookeepers, Carla was trying to reason with Strowman while the Demon crouched behind her. "Braun, you cannot keep him."

"I won him. Fair and square."

"You know what? I'm not even going to argue with you when you're acting like this. You're acting like a petulant child. You can't just keep him as a trophy. You know the ruling. Let the boy go."

"The boy?" Seth repeated, incredulously.

"I'm not sharing."

Carla sighed. Time to change courses. "Haven't you already won the tag titles?"

Braun raised an eyebrow. "Yeah"

"Wouldn't it hurt Nicholas's feelings if you replaced him?"

"I couldn't just replace the guy." Braun frowned.

Carla pointed out, "He's too young to realize that."

"I didn't think about that."

"And you've already won the tag titles already, so you've been there and done that. Wouldn't you say you have better things to be doing than covering old territory? Shouldn't you focus on your singles career? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you haven't really won a title yet, not including the Greatest Royal Rumble."

Braun frowned. "Why do you care? You don't even work here."

Carla sighed. "I do work here."

"I've never seen you before," Braun snarled.

"Me neither," Seth mumbled.

"That doesn't matter," Carla said. "What matter is-"

"She's the new replacement for Kurt Angle now that he's on vacation," Dean said as he and Roman finally noticed the shark cage with their teammate and the arguing Braun and Carla.

Carla gave Dean a baffled look.

"You're the general manager?" Braun asked as he loomed over the P.A. "I thought Intern Eve was in the middle of her Reign of Terror over this place."

"What? Do you want to work for Intern Eve?" Dean asked.

"...No," Braun admitted.

Carla thought for a moment, wondering how she could use this weird misunderstanding. "So you wanna let Rollins out now?"

Braun crossed his arms. "I won. Fair and square."

"You weren't even in the match!" Roman pointed out.

Carla sighed. "You know if you take him anywhere, that would be abduction, right?"

Braun scrunched up his forehead in perplexment. "What?"

"I'll call the police, and you will be arrested."

"No one will find us," Braun said.

Seth said, "Dude, I'm not going quietly."

"I'll knock you out."

Carla sighed. "That would be assault and abduction."

Braun looked at Carla like she was nuts. "So?"

"It's illegal. You can't attack people outside the ring. I know you've been given free reign of the place for a while now, but I won't allow you to run amuck around here. I don't want to have problems with you this early on. Braun, I _want_ to have a productive and healthy working relationship."

Braun grumbled. "Fine. Consider this good faith. Contrary to public belief, I don't _like_ not having a good working relationship with management." With that statement, Braun ripped the chains off the shark cage, and Seth practically sprang out.

Carla sighed. "Thanks for cooperating. Someone will let you know when partner negotiations begin."

She startled when she noticed the Demon just lurking behind her. And she began speed walking off towards the private employee parking. "I'm so fired. I'm soooo fired. Oh dear lord, I'm so-"

Halfway to the parking lot, she heard a "Hey, wait!"

Carla glanced behind her to see Seth Rollins heading towards her. "Oh no…"

"Hey, uhhh what was your name again? I didn't catch it."

"Carla," she muttered.

"Cool, nice to meet you. So...why did you do all that? You didn't have to stick your neck out for me."

"Well, Intern Eve was going to keep you in Headquarters basement for the rest of your life. I just thought that wouldn't be good…"

Seth opened and closed his mouth and thought for a second. "That's messed up. I meant I'm surprised you confronted Strowman. Most authority figures don't bother trying to actually negotiate with him. They normally cave in."

Carla shrugged. "I guess I'm not like most authority figures."

Nia Jax shot her a dirty look as she walked past. "That was almost copyright infringement...:"

"Besides, I'll probably be fired by morning, so what does it matter? This way, I go out with a bang while you...don't."

"Yeah, I didn't want to go out with a bang this time. Thanks though, I appreciate it."

Carla gave him a weak smile and made a beeline to her car.

" **So let's be real. There's no way I still have a job, right? Like I'm fired times infinity-"**

 **Her phone began ringing, and with a sigh, she answered it.**

 **Carla's sister watched with wide eyes as Carla answered yes or no quite often, and the PA looked like she was going to start sobbing.**

" **Okay, I understand." Carla hung up the phone.**

" **So what? Are you fired then? Should we get ice cream to make you feel better?"**

" **It's worse!"**

" **Oh God, are they suing you?"**

" **NO! They've made me the actual GM. I'm going to have to go back and deal with all that insanity every day!"**

" **Oh dear…"**

* * *

Thanks for reading!


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